Cusp This!

Very Interesting...

2009-01-15T09:00:00.003-08:00

You won't believe it, but: I DID marry that guy :) But he proposed at the end of July not May.

On top of it all, we are moving to London next month which put our marriage plans into high gear. Our original date was May 9th, 2009 and since we have money down to have an amazing event in Bermuda (white dress, father gives me away, overlooking the ocean, at sunset) we are still doing it. BUT, with Visa Status in the UK changing, we were advised to get married in a hurry. The actual phrase from the UK immigration lawyer was "no mad rush, in the next five to ten days." We had a civil ceremony on a Wednesday just a little before 1 pm (so the hands were going up). It was very unexpected and fun and since then we have been planning away at London. We recieved our Visa's yesterday and the move date is set for Feb 16 with a going-away party/wedding reception on 2.15 the day before.

I'm actually telling my boss today to give him 4 weeks notice and set up a friend of mine to take over the position.

Fun!

Well, I think I'm done

2008-03-26T06:51:00.002-07:00

I have met the man that I'm going to marry. We met 21 days ago and talked last night about me moving in with him. In Brooklyn. I love my apartment and I could be okay with moving to Brooklyn because I'm totally in love with some dude I met 21 days ago. I think I had just forgotten that people can just fall in love. I had actually forgotten what love was like to be honest.

Now I'm in love and will move boroughs and mountains over it. I really am going to marry him. At this rate we will probably talk about it next week and he'll ask me in May.

umm, wow

2008-03-12T21:13:00.001-07:00

So I went on a third date with someone tonight, and I think I could fall in love with him.

What?

I know. I'm just sayin'...

Holy crap.

bobo

2008-03-06T20:05:00.001-08:00

Okay, so one of my close friend's runs a high-end spa, laser treatments, blah blah blah and they do botox there. Well, they had a big event tonight and they wanted someone to be the botox Guenna pig. Well, at the ripe age of 28 with a few no one sees them but me wrinkles, I said, why the hell not? The thing is that at the event there were some semi-acquaintances of mine on the catering staff. So one of them talked to me afterwards and basically asked me why. Actually she was really asking what the hell was wrong with me.

It really pissed me off. If I have an opportunity to paralyze my facial muscles and decide to do that, then really, what business is it of hers?

Unfortunately, it was an event where both of us were supposed to be representing what a fantastic spa it is so I felt that I couldn't tell her to go fuck herself.

However, S.K., please go fuck yourself. When I volunteered to help my friend I didn't plan to make myself your judgement target. So, fuck yourself up your ass.

That said, apparently it takes 3-5 days to see the effects, so I'll let you know if it does anything. They didn't give me very much.

Rules of Engagement

2008-02-26T14:45:00.001-08:00

I met someone on Saturday at a bar that I have the potential to actually like. Since this is rare, I now want the boy to call me. NOW. Nooooooooooooooooooooooow. now.

However, since I am not the master of the universe, I'm not sure how to get this desired result. I could call him. However, I only have his number because he called me to make sure I had my phone... So on top of my much preferring for him to call me, if I called him I would also have to acknowledge that I was using my mad-girl-skillz to even have his number.

Look he was tall, cute, has his own place, good job etc. Etc means he has a big dick.

So I did slightly more than just kiss him... I kissed him and rolled around on a bed with him and know that he has a big dick.

I'm going to give him time. One shouldn't rush a man with a big dick--I think I read that somewhere.

List Mania

2008-02-03T19:59:00.000-08:00

Things I love:
Shakespeare
The conversation I had with my mom tonight
my Granny
my Dad
my Mom

Things I hate:
not getting enough sleep
not being able to help people get what they want
being alone

I don't know if I told you but I'm now officially official at my new job that gives me time to think again. I'm thinking that I need to do something creative. I have to communicate--be known, accepted, heard, understood. I think it's time to write. Like, for real write. I promised myself I would finish a play in the month of February.

I'm really scared that it will be awful.

And I'm going to write it anyway.

Dreams

2008-01-24T08:45:00.001-08:00

Last night I dreamt I was a gay man trying to get laid. In my dream this was no better than me as a straight woman trying to get laid.

Having a slightly silly low pressure job just makes me itchy all over for a high-drama relationship.

I think it's a good thing that I can recognize this.

My roommate has promised to go bar hopping with me. However I'm concerned that she's not the greatest wing-woman that ever happened. I'm not sure if random bar-hopping is the best way to meet a high-drama relationship either, but I'll find one. Because having hot sex with someone that I can then think and wonder about a a few hours a day will fulfill me for a while. The best way to achieve this is to have said sex-toy be HOT. Then I get to obsess about if I'm hot enough or get all jealously fired up that other girls are all about my hot sex toy. These are distration tactics that have worked in the past and considering that I'm not running for congress or anything that would take real interest and effort on my part, I think hot, jealousy-inducing man is just what I want.

I wonder if other people are as insane as this.

New post

2008-01-22T09:50:00.001-08:00

Well, I'm going to stay here full-time. I think it might get busy sometimes-- but NOT TODAY!

My plan is to become very rich while working here.

Yep.

I'll let you know how that goes. I think the salary is def a step in the right direction. I hope to turn that step into a hop asap.

Social Networking

2008-01-11T10:48:00.000-08:00

is all fine and dandy until you see pictures of your ex with his new girlfriend. He looks good and she looks happy. In T's case he doesn't look that good.

I had this really great 'done with it moment' and now I just want to backslide. This is why I shouldn't be left unsupervised in front of a computer.

Damn it.

What the F*ck is up with that? Just old school possesiveness probably. I'm old fashioned like that.

2008--and a triumphant return!

2008-01-03T13:08:00.001-08:00

Well, 2007 went out with a bang, I left my last job. It was extremely stressful--the events leading up to it, being unemployed etc. Now I'm temping. This is ironic since my last position was HR. The good news is that after 20 minutes, and now again after 7 days this position will probably become a full-time real-life job. I'm going to chat with them about that tomorrow.

The other good thing is that this position is so low stress. I'd forgotten what a job could be like (aka not like demons gnawing on one's brain). So, I feel confident saying that the triumphant return of YB is upon us. I have time to navel-gaze once more. Become another brilliant and under-challenged member of the work-force. I could even have this position and take night classes, yo.

I could get a PhD here...

It sorta reminds me of my old admin days. I did get a lot of navel-gazing done back then: dating inappropriate men, leaching all the possible meanings out of trivial conversations, obsessing over rumors and other people's business...

hmmmmmmmmm

I'll keep you posted.

It's been a long time

2007-11-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

I had my last day at my job. I was there for 2 years and one month. I applied for unemployment today and will send out two resumes today. I really want the job that I mentioned all those months back and now they are delaying the product launch til January (assuming all goes well).

So, it's the job I want and there are no guarantees that it will exsist in January.

I don't know quite what to do....

I can send out my resume half-heartedly or I could do something that I would really love...

Most of my job experiences have fallen in my lap so the idea of saying what I want and getting it around a job is a little strange but completely worth taking on.

I'll keep you posted.

Pick me!!!

2007-09-30T17:12:00.000-07:00

I have my second interview tomorrow. All I want is for them to pick me. I don't even know if I want the job. I do know that I don't want to do my job anymore right now. I'm just tired and burnt-out there. But what about this new job sounds like it would be fun? At this point I'm not even sure what the game plan would be... Do I just make it up and get out there and ABC (always be closing, thank you David Mamet)?

I want to seem smart and prepared and are you ever really prepared and how can you prepare for something when you don't know what it is?

I'm off to internet research.

Whee!!!!

p.s. They are going to love me

2nd Interview

2007-09-23T09:39:00.000-07:00

So, I'm scheduling a second secret interview tomorrow.

I sorta just want to make a lot of money...

Which this job could provide...

It also sounds like fun--not being at a desk all day.

I'm sorta confused about how to feel. I'm scared and excited and concerned for my current boss. That she won't feel betrayed or upset.

New EVERYTHING

2007-09-04T19:23:00.001-07:00

I have a new roommate. I'm interviewing for a new job.

I just got back from vacation at home in TN and wonder if I should move home...

Lots and lots and lots going on.

the big 4-0

2007-07-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

So T turn 40 tomorrow. I have scheduled a cookie bouquet to be delivered to his office. In doing so I found out that his job title (go Google) is engagement manager. Well, I had to make a joke about that. But no, too soon. Dating for 8 years, broken up for 4 and it's still not cool to make an engagement joke.

What am I holding on to? Why? I finally got that I can love him and not expect him to marry me. That I can love him and not end up with him that he can just be that great guy that I love.

I think it's because #10 would marry me tomorrow.

It's completely terrifying. So I'll reach out to the man that I had the "oh, sure, someday" conspiracy with. T and I were exactly in the same place. We said all the right things, loved each other and always thought that at some point maybe we would get married and have kids.

Like the bar with the sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow"

It was perfect and it worked, cause both of us were selfish, irresponsible and loving it. Why would we ruin our awesome world with actual commitments. Commitments after all are much more fun to talk about than keep.

The only reason that #10 isn't moving in with me is because he has a commitment to his cat and I have an intense allergy to cats.

T wouldn't even live in the same state as me because he didn't feel like it.

So what I'm really confronted by is not that T and I didn't get engaged, but that I might actually get engaged (because I'm not with T).

My mind is a dark and twisty place.

tomorrow is weigh day

2007-07-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

I've done everything I planned on my list. Everything on my list was to be added in--nothing was taken out. So I've added additional exercise, additional veggies, additional monitoring, but I haven't removed anything--we'll see how that goes. I think next week something will have to be removed. Say a week without cheese or chocolate or something that I dearly love and decide I can have more of since I've added additonal exercise and additional veggies.

A study came out today saying that obesity is contageous.

So I should really talk more with my skinny friends.

Eat your heart out T

YB the slim

2007-07-18T05:57:00.000-07:00

I've started a weight-loss program. A hottie creation plan if you will.

My high school friend is getting married in 6 weeks and I'm going home to TN and I will be 10 pounds lighter for that wedding.

The other incentive is that T will be there--not at the wedding but on a TN vacation.

Things with #10 are going well, and I want T to see it evidenced in my hot body.

I'll let you know how it goes.

it's a holiday--practically

2007-07-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

and I don't want to be at work.

#10, my boyfriend

2007-06-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

I have been MIA due to consistent sex.

#10 is now my boyfriend and he's cute and sweet and I'm into him. I'm also really stressed at work and feel like I can't do all my extra-ciricular activities, do a good job at work, get myself some sweet action and sleep. This will not stop me from trying though!

I made it to karate today (only went once last week) and am taking a power nap in order to rock out at a friend's open mic session at 11pm in the east village. It should be fun.

Seeing #10 Friday to go to a movie premiere. Considering starving myself til then cause today my pants are tight...

Ah, love.

Holiday Weekend!

2007-05-28T20:27:00.000-07:00

So, I know that this is a little prudish, juvenile etc. HOWEVER, I do keep a tab on my numbers. This weekend I entered the double digits. The lucky man to push me (in my late 20s living in New York City) to a roll call of 10 past sexual partners is a guy I'm taking class with. He's a former professional athlete and he's cute.

I had a lovely weekend. We shall see how things develop...

Okay it's been forEVA

2007-05-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

My apartment looks soooo nice! I can't believe all the work that my mom put in and my apartment is totally different and lovely! I like it so much I had a nightmare that I was evicted so I actually called D who I sublet from to make sure that we get the lease renewed. :-)

YAY!!!

My Momma

2007-05-12T19:26:00.000-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to you all!

My mom is in town. She's actually around for a LONG visit. She arrived on the 4th and is rolling out on the 23rd. We've painted the apartment.

It's a BIG deal.

I have a pseudo-illegal sublet. I should have been put on the lease last year, and the lease co. knows it and told me it's fine, just to write my name on to this years lease etc. but I have to get the guy who has been on the lease for 10 years sign this one again.

This deal, shady though it may be, has me paying next to nothing (comparatively) while living in Manhattan.

The whole thing has kept me from 'rocking the boat' for the 3 years I've lived here. However, this visit my mom and I finally decided to rock away and enjoy the ride.

We threw away sooooo much crap. I don't think this place had been painted in more than 10 years. It looks really nice!

We threw away all sorts of bad decorations and long abandoned paperbacks. The last time D visited was 2 years ago. He has so much stuff it would take a photographic memory to recall what is still or isn't here.

Here's hoping D doesn't have one!

so...

2007-04-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

So I keep getting totally confronted with my little life. I would really really like for it to mean something. I don't know what it would/could/should mean. I have a belief system suggesting that there is nothing it even can mean.

Nonetheless, I keep writing the straight to paperback of my life with drama, twists, turns, scandals, the occasional lesbian scene for show.

But seriously, what is up with the supreme court? The day a clump of cells that can't survive on it's own has more rights than a grown woman, should be the day that all tumors can finally be free from chemo-therapy. ESPECIALLY testicular tumors.

Texas 12-step

2007-04-19T22:42:00.000-07:00

So I'm not 12-stepping, but I am in a class that is similar. And I'm cleaning up crap I've said / done / not said / not done lately. I called T yesterday and told him I didn't fight for him. He told me he needed to go because the girl he's fucking was at his place waiting. She's Chinese and has a weird name. The weird thing was I felt great. Then he called me today and left a message that was curt and weird. Whatever dude. I know it puts people in a weird space when you apologize and ask real questions--especially when one (me) has been glib and untruthful for about 2 years now, but still!

I'm flying to TN in the morning. St. Matthew my former roommate is getting married in Atlanta so I thought I'd fly to the homestead and drive to the wedding. The only problem is that my parents are vacationing in Mexico and unreachable so I'm not sure how to deal with the whole they sent me a package with the house and car keys that didn't arrive on time.

I think I can convince a locksmith to let me in to my parents house.... I think.

I will update you on the adventure.

What do you people want from me??

2007-04-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

So, I'm in this leadership class. It's about leadership.

Tonight one of my classmates spoke to me about something I'm helping her with. But what she wanted from me wasn't what I was helping her with--and I don't know what it is that she did want.... I am certain however that I did not provide it.

So now I feel all weird, like I didn't have the right answer. And I'm totally pissed about it. Can't I just do my job and let that be enough. I feel like I sound like a tired 50's bread-winner. I earn the money and now I have to be emotionally available too? Fuck Off!

So that's where I am at right now.

my 'buddy' sent me 4 text messages saying she was quitting then recanting so that's obnoxious too.

ugh.

someday you will be loved

2007-04-16T18:58:00.000-07:00

boy-oh-boy do I love to make myself wrong. I'm not _______ enough for _______. Always always always.

Then I get bored of it and try I'm too _______ for _________.

Occasionally, I cut out the middle man and I'm just I'll never be __________.

All there is to get is that there's nothing wrong here.

Audition

2007-04-15T19:46:00.000-07:00

I'm auditioning for the role of co-worker on Monday in a short film.

All these exciting, unexpected things are happening in my life.

Mostly I just want to sleep.

update

2007-04-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

Just saw the play Frost/Nixon and it was great.

Still employed.

Life is strange.

That's all I've got for now.

clean feels dirty

2007-04-02T07:13:00.000-07:00

I wonder if it wasn't better with me having a dirty little secret and someone I love being completely in the dark and never really knowing me. I wonder if it wasn't better my not really being able to be completely happy for a wedding. I want her to stay with him. I don't want there to be any confusion about my being some high moral being. It's a strange line to walk. I don't want to be some moral creature, but I don't want to lie for some 'greater good' because NOT being a moral creature who am I to say what a greater good would be. On the other hand, how does one just dump that kind of info on someone? The real question is how does one do what I did in the first place.

coming clean

2007-03-31T21:12:00.000-07:00

So I wrote about something horrible that happened in a very cryptic way back in December. What happened was that I had sex with my boss's fiance. He had always flirted with me, though we rarely saw each other. Then one night after I had gone out drinking with the two of them and a friend of mine, he called me and said he had to see me. I told him to forget about it. He told me he was in a cab heading to my neighborhood. I told him to forget about it. He told me he was a block away. I told him to go to a bar and forget about it. Then I told him he could come up and he did. I set about to have a conversation with him where I explained how the shit had to stop. That he was marrying one of the best women in the world and that there was no reason in the world that he should be interested in me.

My reasoning however didn't work.

At some point in my argument, I gave up. I thought to myself: you need proof that this will be the biggest mistake of our lives? Well here you go. It lasted less than 5 minutes. I said no, but I did let it happen and the thought was in my head, I'll prove it to you.

He and I never spoke about it. We have never been alone together since.

On Friday, I told my boss.

It was just something I couldn't live with anymore. She had the right to know. It had to be her choice to keep me as an employee and/or keep him as her fiance. I realized how fucked-up it was to not allow her to make that decision.

For the moment, I still have my job.

I cannot believe that I did that--any of that, but I did.

karate in action

2007-03-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

At midnight tonight walking up 8th avenue looking at the ground listening to my iPod thinking about myself (which is what I usually think about anyway) a guy about my age shaved head with a hat on stumbled into my path and lightly grabbed my forearm. He wobbled back to a semi-upright stance as I looked up, stepped back and twisted my arm out of his grasp with a twist that made it seem like as if he had almost never touched me. I turned my arm so that when bending my elbow up (imagine doing a bicep curl) my forearm pulled at where his fingers were grasped. While in motion I said clearly, calmly and with an authority that sounded odd in my head, "don't touch me." He looked at me, now with a distance between us and my arm closest to him held in a fighting position, and seemed to try to focus. I said, "what do you need?" Because in the nanosecond that I had taken to get in complete control of the situation, I saw that he was just a drunk guy, and wondered if he was okay or needed help.

He looked at me for a moment and said, "You gonna leave?"

I said "Yeah," and turned and continued up the street towards home.

After a few seconds, the adrenaline hit, and I thought "what the fuck was that?" and I also realized: I'm a motherfucking ninja.

** for the record I was in heels and a skirt at the time, so I'm a hot, feminist ninja

As JT would say

2007-03-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

So, I was given the new Justin Timberlake CD--he's from Tennessee!

In it there is a song with these sage lyrics:

"What goes around comes around (comes around, comes around, comes back around)"

This is also the song who's video features Scarlett Johanson and was at the source (rumor has it) of Justin's break-up with Cameron Diaz.

At any rate, my boss today had her break-down.

We had a talk yesterday about how to fix things, and she took on a little of the amount I have been doing, and by doing so realized that the company isn't as sunshiny as she had thought. She also I hope realized that I'm not crazy, that I have been putting up with the errors for months.

She's taking tomorrow off. I'm taking Monday off and then next week we're going to have to let one of our co-workers go.

And that is that.

sex and the single girl

2007-03-19T17:49:00.000-07:00

So I had my second date with the guy that I had sex with on the first date. We went to a play which turned out to be a terrible production--and to top it all off he wasn't feeling well. He had eaten something bad and was only partially recovered. He soldiered through the play and then had to call it a day. He did give me a sweet little good-bye kiss. I have not heard from him yet.

I feel like I have a pretty healthy attitude about sex. It's only when these little face-offs come up that I wonder if I'm an idiot and I should have waited til the third date. I like to think that sex should be spontaneous and rule free. I also think that if I never hear from this guy again the upside is that I got laid. I also think if he's got something holding him back from coming back for more great sex then I'm better off without him--and I'd rather know that sooner than later.

melt-down

2007-03-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

I totally had a melt-down at work. I was sent home. It was shocking. I cried. I said I was just tired.

I spent my half day off eating Pad Thai, getting a pedicure, going for a run and watching South Park episodes that were saved on my DVR.

I just wanted to come clean on that if any of you were under the impression that I have my shit together.

Break-down Baby.

News and Events

2007-03-14T05:35:00.000-07:00

The boy called me and we are going on a second date on Saturday.

I saw my friend L for the first time in forever, she had been traveling in Columbia for 6 months or so where she got breast implants! So I saw her last night and and felt her new boobs. Now I don't go around feeling boobs a lot so I'm not sure how they compare to the vast majority of boobs, but compared to mine, i think they feel fake. They look really great though.

Work is intense.

That's all for now.

quotes

2007-03-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

"The cult of martyrdom is sold to girls like cigarettes, and sometimes from the most unlikely sources" -Manifesta

It is a beautiful day. I went for a run for the first time in too long and forget how great I feel when I feel strong. I remember that I don't want to run to look slight and willowy on high heels. I run so that I can feel powerful regardless of if anyone is watching.

I run because I can.

Rules are made to be Broken... ?

2007-03-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

I went on a first date last night. It ended this morning.

Completely not my intention, but I had a good time and I'm 87% sure I don't regret it.

11+

2007-03-07T16:06:00.000-08:00

I've been at work for over 11 hours.

Just wanted to let you know.

I'm a total catch.

Me under a bushel

2007-03-04T15:31:00.000-08:00

So, a few friend's as of late have been asking about my acting. Even a person that I had met 1 minute earlier asked me yesterday if I was an actress.

It's strange, I don't miss it. There was some famous actor once quoted as saying, "if you can do anything else and still be happy do it" because the life will use you up fast. I feel more like a recovering actress than anything else. I am a woman who's finally starting to understand self worth without the laughs of folks sitting in the dark. I am becoming someone who doesn't let a casting intern determine if I'm sexy, or young or 'believable'.

I am happy with out it.

And yet it feels like no one believes me... Now non casting interns are questioning my believability. And there's still enough of the 'unrecovered' left in me to wonder if these friends, or old-friends, or acquaintances know me better than I know myself.

Am I hiding? Have they found me out?

seriously though

2007-03-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

My Dad rules.

I love that he's here on this special father/daughter trip. I love that we can talk about politics, and his childhood and everything. It's unreal.

my dad

2007-03-01T20:13:00.000-08:00

He arrived today.

I think he's perfect.

We went to a restaurant, I got a salad, he got a burger then we went to a random school friend's hip-hop concert, because my dad thought it would be interesting.

Seriously though, my dad rocks.

My life, proof the WB was realistic

2007-02-25T18:25:00.000-08:00

So on Thursday I went to a friend's birthday party / hip-hop extravaganza. It was fun. The opening band however was made up of:

Lead singer: guy I made out with once high who then had an uncomfortable crush on me for several months.

Guitar: E

Drums: My two night stand guy

seriously

I think perhaps we give screen-writers too hard of a time about a thing called believability.

In other news, I have Jury Duty tomorrow. Maybe I'll have hooked up unknowingly with the judge and be dismissed. We'll see.

10 days later

2007-02-21T14:56:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm sorry it's taken so long to post. My best friend from Kindergarten came to visit for 5 days from Michigan (where she's getting her PhD) with her boyfriend I had never met. Being the rocking friend I am, I let them have my bed and slept on the couch in the living room (where the heat still isn't working properly). I then regressed back into the cold I had fought off only to have a big old work melt-down today.

I am still very slowly reading Howards End though.

Those are the most memorable events of the last 10 days. In less than 10 days my Dad is coming to visit. That should be fun. His Birthday is Monday. He'll be turning 73. 70 is the new 60 and he's strong as an ox and healthy as a horse.

I hope he'll have a good time here.

I also hope I can find someone to jump out of a cake for him....

Howards End ~ Chapter 10

2007-02-11T07:53:00.000-08:00

"Several days passed.
Was Mrs. Wilcox one of those unsatisfactory people--there are many of them--who dangle intimacy and then withdraw it? They evoke our interests and affections, and keep the life of the spirit dawdling round them. Then they withdraw. When physical passion is involved, there is a different name for such behavior--flirting--and if carried far enough it is punishable by law. But not law--not public opinion, even--punishes those who coquette with friendship, though the dull ache that they inflict, the sense of misdirected effort and exhaustion, may be as intolerable. Was she one of these?
Margaret feared so at first, for, with a Londoner's impatience, she wanted everything to be settled up immediately."

A few friend's have fallen out of my life lately. E BdS who I made such fast friends with has been as distant as she used to be available. There's an entire group of acquaintances who's evite list I fell off of. I'm a Scorpio so I usually square my shoulders, say 'oh well,' and wander back into the world to find new friends to fill the gap. Then I read this passage, and realize I've been acting too cool to admit the the dull ache, and the sense of misdirected effort and exhaustion that have accompanied the decline of these friendships.

off-color

2007-02-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

So much for the myth that nobody cares when a stripper dies.

too early?

Anyway, I got in a Whole Foods fight this evening. It didn't get physical (lucky for her). A petite young latino woman cut me in line then tried to act like I wasn't in that line. She said, "I see a line here" pointing to the middle line, "and I see a line here" pointing to the line that she cut in front of me in (clearly in a diagonal fashion when I was directly behind the other customers in a 'straight' line) and I said, "and do you see me?"

I can't believe I actually said that. I'm so fucking street y'all. I feel like I never think of the right thing to say in the moment and that time I totally did. That and she didn't know she was messing with a blue belt.

Rereading that story it would have been so much better if it were a food fight with organic foods. Maybe I'll try for that tomorrow.

Sniffles

2007-02-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

So last week I went out every night and felt wild and young and reckless. This week I went out 2 nights and felt young and reckless but not too young and reckless (more like a college upperclassman). Today, however, I have a cold. The heat in my apartment isn't working very well, so that might have something to do with it. I refuse to blame my fabulous life-style.

At any rate, I let my boss know that I felt like crap and powered through the day getting everything I needed to get done lined up. At 3 pm I asked her to send one email for me and went home. Since I didn't take a lunch I ended up working a 7 hour day.

Now maybe I'm over-reacting but as I was leaving I told her thank you and she said, 'you're welcome.' I took this to mean that she was upset I was leaving 2 hours early. When I worked 2 hours late yesterday.

I took a two hour nap and then a friend from my hometown came over--he was only in town for the day! He's doing a touring show with the Kennedy Center and this was the only night we could get together. Besides, we stayed in and ordered pizza and a movie. That doesn't even register as reckless. That's maybe a tad naughty since I'm not totally well.

We'll see how it goes tomorrow when I have to interview people.

I believe that DayQuil will help me through. Today I went 7 hours on EmergenC, with DayQuil by my side I can surely pull one of those 10 hour days my boss has grown accustomed to.

wow

2007-02-01T20:19:00.000-08:00

I went to a hip-hop/spoken word/flamenco dance/comedy show tonight. And it was so crazy amazing I can't even deal with it. I had the best time.

I love New York. I feel like I could coast on this inspiration for days!

Beautiful Beautiful life!

dating in new york

2007-01-29T19:23:00.000-08:00

dating in new york takes balls.

Why is it that someone who has spent money on two seperate occasions on a girl who smiles at him and laughs at his jokes would not kiss this girl? Kiss on the subway. Kiss waiting for the subway. Kiss on the street even though it's cold.

I guess I could be more of a help.

acting out

2007-01-29T13:42:00.000-08:00

I went to the stop-the-escalation-in-Iraq protest this weekend. When I told my father he said, 'you went to that thing?' and when I told my grandmother she cheered. You could say we are a divided country.

I left my wallet at home today because I have a date tonight and I wanted the brown bag to go with my outfit. Switching purses is not my highest talent. I did manage to pack all my make-up though.

I have put the two above paragraphs together because either one singularly is pretty awful.

Best sign at the protest : 'This war is dumb'

Thursday?

2007-01-25T21:40:00.000-08:00

I flirted with strangers tonight. Intently.

I had a blind date last Saturday that was totally fun, and I had hoped would at least provide a second date and some french kissing. Then it seemed to dissipate. C'est la vie. I have a feeling I can be too much. Too much the smart one. Too much that girl--as if there were another girl I could be. Flip the switch and I'm sexier or nicer or anything other than the person I am.

It's here guys. After a year and half of discussion, searching and observing I'm at the point where I am ready to date.

It's completely terrifying.

I did the "ideal" I did the opposite, I then read books, took classes and now I'm going to really have a relationship. One where I am there. I have no idea what will happen.

I've stepped up to my potential, my actualization. Is there somebody out there that will take that on? And that will also have sex with me?

Only time will tell.

Shakespeare said "Time, thou must unravel this not I,
It is too hard a knot for me to untie"

name the quote... come on--without googling.

anyone?

if only

2007-01-24T23:20:00.000-08:00

had the best time tonight. If I were a lesbian perhaps I would have met my soul mate. I am however not. BdS was great. We went to the same college but where never there at the same time. She's smart and powerful. We are hopefully going to carpool down to dc for the stop the escalation march.

:o)

I promise to let you know if I become a lesbian. I think we're looking at a 2.5 percent chance.

hi

2007-01-22T14:36:00.000-08:00

Running out to karate class. Miss my cyber life.

work has eaten my face

2007-01-17T19:24:00.000-08:00

le sigh. I want to talk--and maybe I should get a blackberry to post comments. Or I could maybe do audio while I'm walking to work... I'm fascinating and silly "time" is keeping me from contributing my brilliantness to the internets!!! For this, I am so sorry.

Love,
YB the delusional wonder

Dear Guys...

2007-01-11T22:41:00.000-08:00

I'm writing to you, anonymous friends, rather than calling my parents.

I went out on what was to be a quintessential New York evening. Cocktails with high net-worth and beautiful girl-friends at a "hot" new spot. Expenses accounts. etc.

It started out luxurious. People I never thought I would know, and experiences I never thought I would have. And yet, walking home I thought, "fuck, we are all alone in the end." Damn Tolstoy and his forward-thinking. We are (I am) so lonely. So lonely.

I went to some bar in the hopes I could connect to a person I met at the pre-party. Turns out she's in love with the bar tender (who is seriously dating someone 13 years his junior) and just wanted a human (anyone really) to act as a smoke screen to her fascination.

So I did.

In doing so I touched into my deep need for a relationship (any kind) where someone 'gets me' and doesn't judge it.

It's a need that may go unmet.

However, I hope tonight I acknowledged (or at least started to...) that it is there

volunteer work

2007-01-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

I'm volunteering with a non-profit that advocates for victims of sexual abuse. In the training process I've learned really really scary numbers and facts. Did you know the term 'rule of thumb' comes from a british law set up in the 1800s that when beating your wife with an object any object thicker than a thumb would be illegal abuse. What the fuck...???

wade right in

2007-01-06T13:37:00.000-08:00

New York City
January 6th, 2007
75 degrees
people in shorts and flip-flops

I'm thinking of jumping of the Brooklyn Bridge while the fall could still kill a person. Soon enough it will be as menacing as a high dive board.

The next big thing

2007-01-05T20:02:00.000-08:00

So, I love gossip blogs. And today there was this post.

Wouldn't it be interesting if the new trend after nipple slips and crotch slips and whatever where boner slips? I think so. I think it's a great idea.

Blue Balls

2007-01-02T16:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, today was supposed to be my very first class as a karate Blue Belt. However, the website says that the class begins at 7:30 and I showed up at 7:15 to get ready and the class was beginning. The class is a 7:15-8:15 class and has been since August.

Well, I got upset. I wasn't going to start my first class going in late. I got pissed I stayed at work for 2 hours when I could have been home. I'm upset that I feel so fat after the holidays. For whatever crazy reason, this being late/deciding to skip it situation really really put me over the edge.

I called and politely asked them to update their website.

I can either be upset as I walk home and get over it in 30-60 minutes, or I can break down right now for maybe 5 minutes crying and be fine in 7-10 minutes.

I'm weighing my options.

New York, NY

2007-01-01T20:37:00.000-08:00

I'm back. I had a great, relaxing week where I tore through books, did yoga with my mom, watched football with my dad, played Scrabble with my granny and wondered if I will ever make an impact on the world or why I would want to...

The people I love most in my life, I love for their simple exsistence for simply being who they are. Yet, I have never loved myself for that. I keep waiting for myself to do that one meaningful thing to earn my own love and admiration.

Thinking this is possible--that there is a feat lying in wait for me so that I may someday become myself--at least keeps the dramatic tension up.

Apple Pie

2006-12-26T13:11:00.000-08:00

I'm in NC with my granny. I tried to send a email Christmas card via my yahoo account and couldn't. I'm annoyed that yahoo thinks that sending to over 200 contacts makes you a spammer. I want to call and yell at them though I'm sure they would offer me the solution of paying for my mail box... Perhaps I'll start using gmail as my main contact...

I know, fascinating right? It just made me so irrationally angry that I thought it was worth talking about. I've always thought my being completely irrational is worth documenting.

Anyway, Happy Happy Holidays!! I hope everyone got somthing unexpected and something much needed.

I survived

2006-12-22T18:47:00.000-08:00

I ran the New York Office for my company this week. I can't believe all the stuff I got accomplished.

I rule.

Going to NC to see my Granny on Sunday, but tomorrow my brother and his 3 kids are coming in town for the day from CT. I'm taking them to see the tree, ice skating (probably bryant square ice skating), to a toy store (Toys R us or FAO), and dinner.

I hope the kids will also understand that I rule.

working for the weekend

2006-12-18T14:46:00.000-08:00

So things at work have been slow with the impending holidays. My boss is taking this week off and I'm taking next week off to go to NC and be with my Granny.

I've mentioned before that I think my granny is perfect in every way so it should be a great vacation. We will play Scrabble and admire each other for just being cool.

Until then though I think I'm going to be working like a dog. Five new projects showed up on my desk today--and it's CRAZY! Luckily I ordered my families gifts this morning on Amazon because everyone else is going to have to wait.

Blue

2006-12-16T22:09:00.000-08:00

Songs are like tatoos...

I love Joni Mitchell.

Today I took a promotion test to become a karate blue belt. I would be perfectly happy staying a white belt forever, but that's not how the system works. So in order to challenge myself and have the possibility of learning new things, I took this promotion examination.

It was so stressful. Not because I didn't know everything but because I made it mean so much. For whatever reason in my mind, it was extremely significant. I cried. I was so on edge about being right or appropriate or whatever that when I caught one of my main instuctor's eye and he mouthed "Relax" I got all teary.

It wasn't sobbing. It was silent weird crying for no reason. The kind that you would think would look like a movie but instead results in splotchy face and bloodshot eyes. All in all I would categorize it as extremely attractive. I have to wait until Friday to find out if I promote. It could go either way right now.

In other news, I'm not yet planning to move to NC. What happened was that last week I was in a sexual situation where I said no, and then something happened anyway. I wasn't hurt, I simply was not listened to. I have yet to define the significance this has in my own mind... In other words--if I choose not to be a victim is this a victimless crime? It was someone that I knew so I don't feel some moral obligation to protect future victims... I don't want to feel some moral obligation is what I really mean. I don't know if I do, should, or anything.

It's complicated. I wish I hadn't opened my big blog mouth about it, but I don't want any of you sweet strangers to feel concerned for me, so I wanted to clear up the mystery. I promise, I'm okay.

Me and my secrets

2006-12-12T19:30:00.000-08:00

I just deleted a post. I'm working on being more open and honest and sharing stories and myself. Being a Scorpio, I have a lot of resistence to the idea.

Even anonymously there are things I'm not quite up to talking about.

I'm okay, things are going to be okay, but right now I have to know more about what is going on before I talk about it. I'm really at a loss for words even. I know it's cheesy but I'm even afraid to give words to that big bad thing that happened. I'm afraid it will make it real, and really the whole drama with 'what happened' is about the meaning and attaching meaning to the events.

I'm not trying to be cryptic, I'm just working it out in my mind...

dramatical

2006-12-10T22:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had a lovely evening. In wake of all the shit that happened approximately 48 hours ago, I realized that there are great people out there. Even if I only meet those people for 10 minutes and have a conversation that matters, it is worth more than the drama of years, months or days ago.

I've quoted Ani DiFranco before, but in her new album (which really everyone should own) she says: 'and I know that now is all there is'

I get it.

I hope I remember it tomorrow.

seriously

2006-12-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

Considering moving to NC to live with my Grandmother.

Bad shit went down last night. I'm not really sure what to do. Running away seems like a great idea. I'll keep you posted. Perhaps when this need to vomit passes I'll explain better.

Holiday Party

2006-12-08T14:35:00.000-08:00

I'm hiding out. My small company is in an office suite set-up. We plan to get our own office space soon, but until then we share a floor with several companies. The Office Suite management is throwing their holiday party tonight. I am expected to be charming with light acquaintances. These are people that may or may not say hello when I pass them in the hall on the way to the bathroom.

I have decided the only thing to talk about is celebrity gossip. It's times like this I wish I watched more TV because at least then I could discuss Grey's Anatomy for 30 minutes, have a free drink and feel like the evening was a success.

TV would be one holiday party solution. Another possible solution is drugs. Cocaine would solve all my social anxiety issues.

In other news, I am being encouraged to test for karate 'promotion'. I have one week to cram for the written portion. I think I have to not only know the Japanese terms for kicks but may also be expected to spell them.

This last paragraph is exactly what leads me to believe I will not have interesting Holiday Party discussions.

Benefits of Walking

2006-12-04T07:15:00.000-08:00

I live in midtown, so I get to walk to and from work. Since I am not a morning person I find that walking gives me a good warm-up into the day. I get to be bitchy and aggressive as I walk past Port Authority, strategic around 34th street judging how soon the walk light will turn and how far off the traffic is. I get to be awed if I remember to look down any street to my left and see the colors of the sun rising into Manhattan, and it is around 27th-or 28th street that I get to live a fantasy life.

There’s this guy who walks north up eighth avenue while I walk south and it’s usually around 28th street that we cross paths. This occurs most mornings at about ten til 8 on the east side of the street. I recognize that this well dressed good-looking bespectacled man (with broad shoulders and dark hair that is just long enough to begin to curl at the ends) is probably gay. However, he is not definitely gay. He is therefore my imaginary boyfriend.

I imagine he lives on 25th street between 7th and 8th, that he is a lawyer, and that he thinks I am the sexiest woman alive. I should perhaps mention that I do not put my make-up on until after I arrive at my office, and that I usually wear hot pink pumas with my slacks as I trek from the 40s to the 20s (a little over a mile) at 7:30 am. Once, while wearing cute boots (vs. my usual sensible albeit loud walking shoes) at this early hour, Mr. Fantasy noticed me, and I smiled. Perhaps he noticed my boots appreciatively because he’s gay. Perhaps he is straight and will marry me. I choose the latter.

I know that we will go to gallery openings and benefits at the Met. We will donate generously to the arts, and non-profits for education. We will have cocktail hour after I move into his place. He will drink Manhattans and I will drink side cars. I will be a completely different person.

Mr. Fantasy, as I imagine him to be, doesn’t mesh with me at all. I have an apartment decorated entirely in stuff that old roommates and strangers left there. I have a loft bed and the only DVDs I own are seasons of the Family Guy and the recently released “Hits” of South Park. I enjoy a nice restaurant, but I could also eat empanadas everyday and be happy.

I’m an attractive person. I’m sure any man trapped on a deserted island will count himself very lucky indeed, but on an island boasting millions of people (many thousands being models) I am not always the hottest in the room. It’s hard to have realistic self-esteem in these circumstances. I’ve also read Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth, so I very rarely blow-dry my hair or have a pedicure.

Once when a co-worker and I were discussing US weekly and Jennifer and Vince we determined that Vince would be the perfect guy for me. My co-worker was complaining that he seemed to never care what he looked like, was a guy’s-guy, and extremely talented at being a goof-ball. In short, Vince Vaughn is a more attainable man for me than Mr. Fantasy. But the point is that my morning walks are good exercise, mental and otherwise. Between Sudoku puzzles and Mr. Fantasy, I’m at least at a low risk for Alzheimer’s.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

2006-12-03T18:04:00.000-08:00

I have done nothing today. I am using my period as an excuse for this.

I realize that this is highly unfeminist.

Next time I think of an excuse I'll stick to unisex ones.

just thinking...

2006-11-28T17:46:00.000-08:00

I know that lots of the media stories have spoken about the Iraq war passing the amount of time that the US was involved in WWII. The thing is in WWII we overthrew a government. In Iraq we are stuck trying to overthrow an idea. Over 200 years of brilliant scientific minds have yet to overthrow people who believe in creationism.

I was just thinking how screwed we are. And how much the WWII analogy just points that up.

Possibilities

2006-11-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

I had a lovely Thanksgiving down south where my 3 person family went for lamb over turkey. There are three of us so we usually shirk tradition partially if not fully. I hope you all had a lovely holiday also.

So, I spoke with my dear friend d about reading MiddleMarch. I was even thinking of "live-blogging" it a la www.defectiveyeti.com is taking on Moby Dick.

I feel hearing my amateur criticisms of George Elliot might be at the least a little more consistent than my sexual encounters...

Barnes and Noble here I come!

deductive reasoning

2006-11-19T19:53:00.000-08:00

Clearly I must hate the weekends.

I've always got some freaking sob story come Sunday about what happened. Today I got hit in the head by a fan and promptly decided that suicide would be the way to show that fan what for.

Luckily shortly thereafter I realize that not only is that stupid, but that only after being hit in the head with a fan would I make such poorly reasoned decisions.

So, it appears I will live through another week.

unless there are other fans that are in on this conspiracy.

hare/hair

2006-11-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

So I did something hair-brained. Unless the term is hare-brained aka bunny-sized. I am unsure of the root of this saying.

I bought a ticket to Seattle. Without speaking to T. On the assumption that him once saying 'yeah...' when I said, 'I wish I could see your place,' was heartfelt. It didn't particularly go over well.

It led him to call me manipulative and selfish. Because going to visit someone is manipulative and selfish.

At the time that was not my intention at all. I thought I was being a little wild, but in a sweet, caring way. Now, after his reaction, I can see that it was pushy. But I don't really think that there's anything wrong with that. I forced his hand on a question I've been asking for months by putting a date on it. I'm sure he could have continued to tell me that he'd really like to see me someday forever. But it seems that he doesn't want to see me January 18th. I can just transfer the ticket for my friend St. Matthew's wedding in April.

I certainly don't like to think of myself as manipulative and selfish, but I'm not displeased to have done what I did and see the results of it.

Umm...

2006-11-16T06:54:00.000-08:00

I bought a plane ticket to Seattle. For January.

It was the 4th message in my email about low fares to Seattle and I decided to take this as a sign from fate. Fate wants me to save money on my airfare!

T of course is not awake yet, so I just fucking did it. I sent him a text. I hope he's alright with me just showing up there.

Impulsive? Maybe. Calculating? A little. Unexpected? Yes.

I, of course, will let you know how it goes.

Action

2006-11-14T19:48:00.000-08:00

omg, I got stuff done today. It's amazing--I am completely shocked. I got stuff done. My project, the one I've been all worried and annoyed with, is going to get done. In the space of two hours, I now have eleven people committed to doing one task this week. I also have three others from the last meeting and me. I had no idea that this would happen....

I'm so happy.

where does depression hurt?

2006-11-13T06:24:00.000-08:00

Stupid commercial. I hardly watch TV and I can vividly recall the background music. And the shot of the dog looking like it wants to play with it's sad why-are-you-depressed dog eyes.

I'm not depressed exactly, but I am blue. I'm working on a project for alumni from my college and it just seems like no one cares. I want to give up. A lot. Making a difference is too hard. I'd rather just feel sorry for myself and watch tv.

The whole thing is pretty frustrating.

I'm not even sure at this moment how to elaborate on this. So I will leave you with this insight:

Blah.

OMG

2006-11-08T19:35:00.000-08:00

So, for the first time in my history as a voter, I got what I want.

I am so happy.

Reprieve

2006-11-05T18:06:00.000-08:00

Since my best friend called the handful of text messages tossed between two-night stand and I "riveting" you are excused from having me write them out for you along with a time-line and my own emotional insights as discovered through these text messages.

I'm considering posting her email so you can send thank you notes.

Work: comparison / contrast

2006-11-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

Work sucks because:

It occupies 87% of my time
It pays less than I feel I'm worth
I am not allowed to date anyone I meet in a work environment

Work rules because:

It gives me money for rent, groceries, and cocktails
It provides me with a minor sense of purpose
I now have two people who call me their supervisor, and that makes me feel um.. superior...

This is my treatise on work and career stuff.

Word.

It's my BIRTHDAY!!

2006-10-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

For those of you keeping tabs on my anonymity--I am a Scorpio (phase one--which means we are more friendly than the average Scorpio), and I was born in the Year of the Sheep in the Chinese Zodiac. This day puts me into my late 20s.

Seconds

2006-10-29T14:08:00.000-08:00

I spent last night in Queens with my August one-night stand...

He's so much fun to talk to.

The other stuff was pretty fun too.

Raisin’ the roof!

2006-10-26T19:09:00.000-07:00

My credit limit was raised today, effective immediately. 'Dear, yb, by not carrying a massive credit card debt, we’ve been engineering ways to make sure that you start to! Congratulations, why don’t you write yourself a check made out to CASH for the entire NEW limit of your credit card? Why not??'

It reminded me of when I was 15 and hanging out with the very wrong crowd in hometown Tennessee one of the boys from the group received a pre-approved credit card in the mail—the kind that are now illegal. He decided to spend the entire limit (which I believe was $2,000) on a gun. He bought something big and scary. He was 18—had been held back or something but was a senior and I was a freshman. He was the creepiest of the group of bad boys, and I only tolerated him because I had a crush on the moody rebel that was also an actor. If it had been a post-Columbine world, I probably would have been as worried about this event as I should have been.

I remember being shocked that he spent money on a credit card, as I had an innate sense from my father that such a thing was pure evil. The idea of buying a gun just seemed absurd. Who cares about guns anyway?

A few months later (this was after I had been arrested for shop-lifting sunglasses and my parents grounded me for 3 months effectively crushing my membership in the bad crowd), the gun-boy was in a serious car accident. He was okay, but he couldn’t work and the hospital bills were are burden to his parents. When they found out about paying off some credit card for a gun that their son had bought on top of everything else, they were devastated.

I remember being so grateful for my parents for being so right, about the crowd, about credit cards, about everything. That was the last time I really tired to be bad-girl. Stripping for a few months in college was more about my confused feminism than my need to be a bad-girl.

weekend of parents and some answers

2006-10-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

So my parents were in town this weekend. It was exhausting--and wonderful--and tense--and warm. The weekend was great. My parents are after all still my parents. They didn't morph into different people from being in New York City for 5 days.

I asked them my leadership interview questions which were (to recap) 1. what are my strengths 2. what are my weaknesses 3. what is something that everyone knows about me 4. what can you count on me for 5. what can you never count on me for.

It actually took a lot of courage to ask them this. Here are a few of their answers.

what are my strengths: reliable, kind, 'reasonably well focused' (that one was dad), intelligent and caring--'a potentially profound mind' (that was my mom)

what are my weaknesses: I sleep late, I am not driven (enough), I never push myself to the edge, I am content with being comfortable, I do not go beyond what is expected of me

what is something that everyone knows about me: I am a sweet, good girl

what can you count on me for: to do what I say I am going to do.

what can you never count on my for: to wake up earlier than absolutely necessary.

It was tough to ask my parents this because they were dead on--I am reliable and nice, and I will never demand more of myself than I know I can accomplish--and I also think that I can accomplish the bare minimum. I have never set a standard for myself that I haven't met--but I've also never expected anything extraordinary of myself.

Since I'm on the topic of these questions, tonight I asked my best friend. She said

what are my strengths: I am funny, smart, and supportive

what are my weaknesses: I can be very passive-aggressive

what is something that everyone knows about me: I'm really fun when I get wasted

what is something that you can always count on me for: to listen and tell the truth

what is something that you can never count on me for: to want to get drunk at the same time she wants to get drunk

So upon having these conversations, my mom wants me to become a writer and my best friend wants me to be in an upcoming production of Romeo and Juliet.

I just want to sleep in!

Parents!

2006-10-18T19:43:00.000-07:00

My parents arrived this morning to stay through the weekend. Dad is sick and asleep already. Mom and I went out and walking home she told me that dad has a stomach virus and that he is particularly susceptible to stomach viruses because one time when I was 2 he took a business trip to Jordan and they had a roast goat and because he was the guest of honor he was expected to eat the goat's eyeball (apparently a delicacy). Long story short he got really sick and nearly died and it was almost undiagnosed because it's rare for Americans to get the disease common to ingesting goat eyeballs.

I seriously learn something new every time I see my parents.

Pinko

2006-10-17T05:42:00.000-07:00

I think money sucks.

It feels like everytime I stand the chance of recovering a little ground--being able to do the really extravagant things like dropping off my laundry or buying a new pair of shoes then along comes something else to mess it all up.

I'm very lucky to get health benefits this year.

They are REALLY EFFING EXPENSIVE!!! And I'm only paying for a small percent of them. Not to mention that assuming I want to use these benefits for anything other than being hit by a bus I have to pay my portion/deductible of that as well. I can't help but wonder if it's a scam... Like how much would I really spend at the doctor in a year if I didn't have insurance--but also wasn't avoiding the doctor because I didn't... Interesting study.

I suppose I am to feel better because I have been offered profit sharing this year as well. The catch to this is that we must make a profit... So assuming that the company is doing well--I just may make enough to cover what I'm paying for Health Care. It's a pretty jaded view of it, and I know that of course I should care what our profit is etc. I just feel like it's another responsibility and I've never responded well to the idea of "commission" which isn't exactly what this is--I'm just bitching and feeling like a victimized retail worker at the mall back in TN.

It probably is a really good deal, and I just don't get money and am acting like an ass.

And there is a 401K plan starting in 2007. I'm expected to put money in to this too. It just seems like all my 'perks' are things that I have to put money into!

Perhaps I'm venturing into the land that my parents always lived in... the 'good on paper' land. Perhaps I'll start looking as if I have my shit together because maybe by 2014 the money that I could have used to pay for drop off laundry could do twice as many loads. All I know is that there were several times during the discussion I thought--maybe I should quit and find a hippie commune.

365

2006-10-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

Today is my 365th day in my job. I have an annual review and tomorrow will be my one year anniversary with my title.... Pretty crazy.

I have so much going on. My parents come in Wednesday and the next few weeks are planned through my birthday then it's November when I'll be taking on yet another (huge) project and it's pretty much a mad dash from here (9:20 on a Monday morning) til the end of 2006.

But you know what I really need? In between 60 hour work weeks and karate classes and volunteering and personal projects? A boyfriend.

In other words, the only thing left that I have time for in my busy schedule is sex.

so much

2006-10-13T18:31:00.000-07:00

I got so much done this week that I'm not going to feel guilty about going to bed at 10:30 on a Friday night. Not guilty at all.

the works

2006-10-11T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have a big alumni project in the works with folks from my college. Phase one is happening Thursday night. I will update you.

Also at work I had to let someone go today. It was sad. She said all the right things, but did all the wrong things. I don't feel it was unjust, but I just don't know a PC way to say "I'm so sorry you didn't do a better job, I know you could have..."

Last bit of news, I'm having a rocking feminist weekend, two of my best and wonderfully politically active girlfriends will be in town. I am really excited about it.

That's it so far. For my leadership class I have to 'interview' people. It's basically where I ask them what they think of me. I think it sorta sounds really self-important. "What do you think of me?" but the purpose is to learn how we are viewed in our community...

Would anyone in the blogging community like to share what they think of me? You could email me at cusper2(at)yahoo.com and tell me:

1) what are my strengths
2) what are my weaknesses
3) what does everybody know about me
4) what can you count on me for
5) what can you never count on me for
6) anything you want to say on the subject of me

ME!!!! ME!!! ME!! ME! ME

My weekend:

2006-10-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

One Nephew Age 10
One Nephew Age 7
One Neice Age 5

Apple Picking

Yankee's eliminated from the series and no suitable place to get hammered.

drunk Blogging

2006-10-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

Should drunk blogging be akin to drunk driving? I hate myself for doing it, and yet I feel like I'm a better driver.... (I feel like I really tell you what is honestly on my mind when I am fucking hammered).

Yet again I am home alone. I got drunk and hung out with my boss and her significant other. All my drinks and the meal I didn't eat were paid for. All my companion's drinks and meal he ate enthusiastically were paid for.

And here I am blogging. Now, I know that j.o.e. is my friend, and I'm not really all that interested in sleeping with j.o.e. However, I would appreciate someone reminding me that I am desirable. This person doesn't have to be who I am buying drinks for, but still....... I know that I sound like a sexist pig, but I'm drunk, so... well, I'm driving with a lot of concentration right now....

Fuck.

I make no effort and I feel fine, but when I dress up in a hot cocktail number and men act like everything's fine, I'm not fine. Can someone (other than Naomi Wolf) de-mystify my thinking on this??? We should be further...

I'm going to go to bed now, and if I have trouble passing out (unlikely), I will read a historical fiction book and wonder how Eleanor of Acquiatine was more liberated than I am......

Quote

2006-10-04T05:40:00.000-07:00

"The world owes me nothing
We owe each other the world"

-Ani DiFranco

I love her!!!

November

2006-10-03T05:46:00.000-07:00

In November, I will be running the company I work at. I will be running the day to day stuff. It is the next step of my on-going promotion. The only down-side is that when running the company for the month I will not be able to come in at 10 like my boss does now.

It really is a total downside. Honestly though, I never like getting up. I can sleep in the weekend till I can't sleep anymore and will still be upset about having to actually get up because I have to pee. I guess my point is that I would be just as pissed off about waking up if I had to wake up at 6am or 8am.

Speaking of (sorta) I had a nightmare about terrorists last night. It's the first one I've ever had. I knew that a bomb was going to go off on a subway platform and was trying to get away and direct people but no one cared or was listening to me. I wonder what that means.... I had a dream about whale watching once and was told that meant emotional healing so this terrorist dream probably means that I have anxiety about money.

recap

2006-10-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

got drunk
flirted with a boy
home by myself

who am I trying to kid at this point???
Please...
I either need to get a consistent lover or a realationship. Why is it that if I'm not being fucked I think I am undesirable?? Ugh.

Silly, silly life.

Please call me Pumkin

2006-10-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

You Are Pumpkin Pie

You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and qualityThose who like you are looking for something (someone!) special

At least someone (or some quiz generator) understands me.

more naval gazing and my best friend's retort

2006-09-28T10:32:00.000-07:00

I am aware that this may not be interesting, however it is completely occuping my mind and I'll be glad some day to read this over. So here is an email and response about my stalled out stuck on hold listening to bad muse-ak love life.

My email:

Shakespeare once said “the course of true love never did run smooth.”

Of course he got married at 18 then left his wife and kids to live in London and be the most famous playwright the world has ever known. He then wrote several plays about dads screwing up their daughters and abandoning their wives in his later years and retired home at around the age of 50 to die shortly there after.

I woke up this morning feeling surrounded by the Tempest/Pericles-esque shipwrecks of my failed relationships. Both of them.

Really it's about T, but I unluckily happened on E's myspace page the other day. He was a friend of a new friend of mine--I didn't search for it! He was there smiling with his photogenic brunette girlfriend. And I don't want E back and I'm not mad at him, I just assume that he's got what I don't have and it doesn't seem fair. I also secretly hope that this woman will destroy him... I need to get over that. I know that I want to be a bigger person and then I have these wicked thoughts that put me as the judge and jury about what sort of pain he deserves... Weird.

As for T, I found myself explaining our relationship yesterday to one of the new people who's working with my company. I said that T and I have everything I want in a marriage. We love, respect, compliment and understand each other. But when she asked if he would move to New York I said, "I want us to be together and I know we have all this, but the only place I can imagine together happening is in a dream land of unicorns and rainbows and a leprechaun would be the ring-bearer." We are great in a vacuum; we are a great idea (or ideal); but I can't actually see us in the real-world. We are so entrenched in 'some-day' that I don't see a way for us to ever be in reality with out serious work and serious re-thinking.

I still have this weird blind-faith (the kind I scoff at religious or right-wingers for) that I'm playing out in my own love-life. I feel I have some innate deserving of T as a husband and that it will just come to me with out my making any effort. I assume that the universe has got my back on this and I don't really need to examine it.

I'm really afraid and stuck in this area.

This was her response:

I totally understand. And for the record, Shakespeare also said - love sought is good, but given unsought is better.

I think that you and T...or maybe just you, I can't begin to even understand him...anyway, I think that you are right in that it's a wonderful idea, but something that may not ever happen in reality. It's something that you do try for and would be willing to do anything to obtain, but that may not be enough. You are trying, you are doing everything right, you're talking to him, you're open to any solution, you want this resolved and soon. But I worry that he may never be ready for that resolution. And I want more for you than waiting on someone who won't reach out and take the hand that is always outstretched to him. It's not fair of him to be wishy-washy for so long.

I understand the fear, though. B wasn't right for me, but I'm terrified I'll never feel that intensely for anyone else. And I understand your resentment at E too. You deserve love and happiness and rainbows and other good things, not him. B has a girlfriend now also, and it makes me crazy. He also still emails me and texts me about how no one challenges him anymore and I made him a better person and if only I lived in Atlanta, blah blah. It's not fair of him to do that to me, and it's certainly not fair of him to have these thoughts, feelings and conversations that would devastate his girlfriend. All that being said, E may not (and probably does not) have a perfect, balanced and loving relationship. He may not send you emails and confide all his problems with the relationship to you like B does with me, but that does not mean that the problems are not there. No way do I believe that E had matured into a man in such a short amount of time.

So while he may be temporarily happy in the arms of some brunette, you are also happy right now in your life. You don't have a boyfriend that you have subpar feelings for. You don't have a boyfriend who constantly disappoints or hurts you. You do have a mind that is constantly growing and learning and a heart that is constantly healing and helping you be more self-aware. I think Inga said this in the Cunt book...Perfection is not the goal, but progress is. And babe, you are progressing and growing. You may be too close to yourself to see it, but I have noticed how you've matured and improved in the past year. And I doubt that E or T can say the same. So in the real battle - you've won. You are the better person. And good things DO happen to good people.

At least we have each other to keep us accountable and to encourage us and to share life with in the meantime, which makes all the waiting a little easier and more fun. :)

Where MySpace saves me from myself

2006-09-27T16:18:00.000-07:00

I am not a fan of MySpace. I do have a profile on there however, and every once and awhile someone will add me as their friend. At that point I log on to the thing and accept this person (assuming they are not a band, stranger, or 'sex party') and then the whole internet will know how popular and cool I am. Today a friend added me and I looked at her profile and friends and guess who was there? E. Because failures are so fun to re-live I clicked on his picture (one of him and his girlfriend). Then there was a problem with the MySpace server. I believe that this internal myspace server crash was providence.

Thank you providence.

The T and I

2006-09-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

Pros:
He loves me
I love him
He tickles me
He's a liberal
He's smart
He's generous
He's funny
Great sex
Great conversation

Cons:
He doesn't know what he wants
He is afraid of marriage
He tickles me
He tends toward depression
He won't move
He won't plan

It is beyond frustrating. I wonder if we have no hope at all, and then we talk and I know that he's the closest friend I have in the world, someone who I could spend my life with. How can you not hope for that?

I'll fly away

2006-09-18T19:08:00.000-07:00

I'm going to hometown TN this weekend for T's sister's wedding reception. She had the ceremony in Haiwaii (only her and the groom), but the party should be rocking. T will be there and my parents, and several of T's other ex-girlfriends. T's sister suggested I bring a date. Sigh.

Good times.

humorless

2006-09-14T22:37:00.000-07:00

Humorless is the kind of day I've had. I went to a karaoke bar in queens because it's a friend's birthday, and well to humor him. That was the end of humoring for the evening. Someone started smoking and I talked to him about the ban then offered to stand out side with him while he smoked. Then I got going on a few conversations with the group that was there with the birthday boy, but when lulls came I didn't fill them up with celebrity gossip. The closest I got to actual communication was when I talked about having a karaoke set that shortens all the song to a reasonable 'American Idol' length and how dramatically karaoke would improve. The guy then challenged me to do it and I declined the challenge because just because it's a good idea doesn't mean I care enough to put it in action. He called my refusal rude, so I said if you ask a question and I'm not allowed to choose one of the options (yes or no) by making one wrong/rude then it's not a question. While I find this interesting I can understand that most people would rather talk about Lindsay Lohan being a 'skank'.

What a humorless person to have at a karaoke bar. Me, not Lindsay; I don't know her--she also seems like she'd be the life of the party from all I've read...

NPR

2006-09-14T17:15:00.000-07:00

Surprisingly, I've been getting hits on my little blog with the search 'Valerie Rumsfeld.' That's because I was gushing about an NPR program that aired on September 1st. If you would like to listen to this totally incredible and amazing story about a liberal kid in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong 'background' (a humanitarian), directions to hear the story are below courtesy of WBEZ members' services (there is not a direct URL):

WBEZ's This American Life aired a segment titled Froggy Goes A-Courtin. If you would like to listen to the segment, please visit the following link: http://www.thislife.org/. Once you are on their webpage go to the blue left hand column, click Complete Archive, and select 2006. The segment aired on September 1 and the program is titled Not What I Meant. Unfortunately, they do not have transcripts of the program, if you would like to order a CD please call 312/948-4680.