Cusp This!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006


I picked a fight with T today. I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I'm upset for behaving like such an immature, whinny baby. On the other hand, I feel that he has forced me to 'act out' by denying me attention. Part of me thinks that he wanted me to do this. Yes, I realize I sound absolutely insane.

Yesterday we talked and he was in a depression super-funk. I tried to cheer him up, but, as I have learned over years of his depressions, I can not fix it when he's like that. He said he would call me later and didn't. Then, today, I see him on IM (the best place possible to start a fight) and he's the fucking blue-bird of happiness. There is a saying by his name that is in Russian. I ask him what it means. "Working hard so I can go to Germany." I do not ask but assume that he has talked to his Russian girl-friend. He certainly can't speak let alone write it.

I take offense. I tell him that I'm upset. I am upset. Is it emotional and illogical that I'm upset? Yes. Does that temper my feelings or display of them? No.

So, he feels attacked. I feel helpless and angry, and I'm seeing him Saturday. I feel so stuck. I want to care and be generous, and I don't want to censor myself. I am aware there is no answer to this. I just wanted to try to talk it out.


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