Unlucky

T and I got in a fight today. He's possibly/maybe/probably going to be in Boston two weekends from now. I am trying to find a way to meet him up there, take a day off work, catch the old Fung-Wah, etc. The catch is that a friend of mine from DC is planning on crashing with me that very weekend for his gradschool auditions. I am trying to schedule this and T is being really slippery about the whole thing. We hadn't talked in a couple days because he's been calling while I was asleep mostly.

Well, we talked this morning, and I basically told him that I just needed to know if he wanted me to even come or not. He went into a long slippery explanation of why he wouldn't commit to saying he wanted to see me. It boils down to he had it so rough for so long and he doesn't want to fall into our old pattern (to me our old pattern was loving each other). He has to make his schedule with him as the priority. Blah blah blah.

It is additionally hard on him (poor, poor him) that now I'm doing exactly what he said he needed from me. 'But T,' I said, 'From what I understand I was the problem, and now I'm trying to fix the problem.' Perfect fucking logic from my end. I guess he just doesn't want it to be that easy. What other rings of fire do I have to jump through?

I think it would be easier for us to cut our loses and settle for somebody else. But I would rather be unhappy with him than happy with some first rate loser. I would rather have hard time with him that an easy time with some tool like E. Perhaps I am a glutton for punishment. Perhaps I love the drama and it makes me feel important and meaningful.

I'm trying to decide if he is purposely trying to humiliate me, and if so, if there will be an end point. Will crawling to Boston on my knees be enough? Will begging for his love be enough? Will sacrificing a small goat on a stone alter be enough? I bet the goat will. Everyone loves a good goat sacrifice.