Cusp This!

Thursday, October 27, 2005


Well, today I had the office to myself for half the day, and I got a lot of work done while playing with my boss' adorable dogs. They are Yorkies, and one is a brand new puppy; she weighs 1 lb. 3 oz. and likes to bite on fingers. After work I met JH, (whom I hadn't seen in far too long) and we had some alone time and it was great. It was great, except for teh moment when I found out from him that E is in the play I had the whole 'huge oversight' fiasco about.

For whatever reason that has thrown me into a deep melancholy and I can't figure it out. I certainly don't want to be in what I think will be a hellish 'showcase' production of Shakespeare acting scenes. Even if I did, E and I would not be considered for the same role. So, why am I suddenly despondent over this news?

Perhaps it's because every time I have to talk about E in public in a cordial manner I get mad: mad at myself that I feel anything. He deserves no stir of emotion of any kind in me. I feel regret that someone so small should get such a big reaction. That, coupled with my confusion over theater in general, makes me want a shot of the Wild Turkey in the kitchen.

I think I have to accept that there will always be a pang when I hear about theater things. It's strange, I have friends who I can listen to for hours when they talk about being lawyers, doctors, public relations experts, or whatever, and admire them, but I cannot do that with my peers in the theater. Perhaps it is because I wanted it once--the way I wanted E once, and though it's over, there is residue. Thick, sticky, midnight-blue colored residue from my needs and desire coats these topics. To come on them unprepared is like walking through a spider web, it takes time and effort to get it off.


  • Hey---I can indentify with how you feel. Feelings suck. I recently blogged a quote

    "You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you react to your feelings."

    Or something like that.

    Yeah--I haven't mastered that either, but it's something to keep in mind, and my help you to not beat yourself up over the way you feel about certain things, situations, and people.

    By the way, if you ever learn how to master your feelings, let me know.

    By Blogger NewYorkMoments, at 1:00 AM  

  • You're a very good writer. I've been reading your blog at work today. Best of luck in your love life and career.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:38 PM  

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