Cusp This!

Monday, November 07, 2005


First I decided my laundry could wait. Then I put of the gym. Now I'm just sitting here.

I think it's because I'm going to London on Thursday. I go from my office to JFK to Gatwick to T. T and I are meeting in London for a long weekend--I don't even know what it means.

I thought I would marry T. I was convinced he would propose when we got back from Europe before I moved to NYC, but he didn't, and for some reason my being in NYC crushed us. He had always known it was my plan, and had always supported me in that choice, but when I got here things changed. He got angry at me for having a life he didn't understand. Not a short-term life like college, but a whole life that he was an outsider in.

I begged him to come and live with me; he refused again and again. Then in the most obvious and unexpected way, he broke up with me. It has in many ways made me who I am. His removal of support made me learn to walk on my own. I am better for it, and I suspect I am also quite different for it.

So, can the new yb and T (who of course has changed as well) ever have what they had? That's a stupid question. Can they have something they never had before? The answer to that, I hope, is across the pond. The answers that swirl in my heart are unfounded. Perhaps when I finally touch him one will take root, connect and give birth.

I'm afraid. Birth is painful and answers are terrifying.

This is the reason I'm not at the gym.


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