Cusp This!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Me and T

I was in London. I meet T. It was sort of like an annual check-up. We broke up a year ago last May, and since then have had been experiencing the tide pull of what we had and what we lacked and where we're going and what it all means. He looks fantastic, and remains the best lover I've ever had.

He went to Germany to 'pull himself out of a rut.' I think he did a great job, if he can stick with it. T's grandmother died when I was a senior in college and he went into a deep depression that I think may have begun to recede in this German trip. Yes, I do think that 4 months of acting like a high-schooler have cured him of 3 and a half years of behaving like a dead man.

I encouraged him to take this trip. He had asked for me back Christmas of 2004, and I had said no since I felt it was a knee-jerk reaction to the relationship he left me for not working out. I told him to figure out what he wanted, and only then would he know if he wanted me.

He might not want me.

That's what we discussed anyway. He says he still loves me, and I love him desperately, painfully, and possibly hopelessly. He also feels that he must move on, that he 'waited' for me for so long and built up so much resentment and he finally sees that we are destined to go separate directions. I have mixed reactions to this...

I waited just as much as he did. I don't think the sacrifices we made to stay together were one-sided. I didn't sleep around, I didn't make certain decisions for his sake in terms of career and travel, I sequestered myself too. It was though a very difficult time. We were both unhappy and unable to make the other happy. When we broke up, (which at the time I did not understand at all) we both were forced to examine our plans and our desires. I was forced for the first time in my life to stand up for my choices as my own.

And yet, with all the talk we've all had about relationships and the sacrifices and the settling and the acceptance, he's the only man I've ever felt it those things were worth. What will or won't happen from here I can't guess, but I wonder how free my heart will ever be... Or how free I can let it be.


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