the big 4-0

So T turn 40 tomorrow. I have scheduled a cookie bouquet to be delivered to his office. In doing so I found out that his job title (go Google) is engagement manager. Well, I had to make a joke about that. But no, too soon. Dating for 8 years, broken up for 4 and it's still not cool to make an engagement joke.

What am I holding on to? Why? I finally got that I can love him and not expect him to marry me. That I can love him and not end up with him that he can just be that great guy that I love.

I think it's because #10 would marry me tomorrow.

It's completely terrifying. So I'll reach out to the man that I had the "oh, sure, someday" conspiracy with. T and I were exactly in the same place. We said all the right things, loved each other and always thought that at some point maybe we would get married and have kids.

Like the bar with the sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow"

It was perfect and it worked, cause both of us were selfish, irresponsible and loving it. Why would we ruin our awesome world with actual commitments. Commitments after all are much more fun to talk about than keep.

The only reason that #10 isn't moving in with me is because he has a commitment to his cat and I have an intense allergy to cats.

T wouldn't even live in the same state as me because he didn't feel like it.

So what I'm really confronted by is not that T and I didn't get engaged, but that I might actually get engaged (because I'm not with T).

My mind is a dark and twisty place.