Inviting

Blogger is currently refusing to post a picture. It was going to be a great entry, but rather than spoil the whole thing, you must merely wait. I'm waiting too so don't feel lonely. To while away the time, I could tell you what I did last night after leaving my weekend job/TV set.

I went to see Proof with E. I did this because he asked, and I was thinking about seeing it last week. It is only playing at a few theaters which is why I didn't see it by myself, but with E in tow, a trip to the Angelika felt less out of the way. It seems I had forgotten how time slows when I'm with E thereby making the trip more instead of less tedious. We got rice pudding at Rice to Riches. He said a myriad of stupid, hurtful things that he didn't intend to be stupid and hurtful. All his kindnesses are wrapped in barbs.

It's funny, E always talked about how much I remind him of his mother (not the most flattering thing to hear from the man your fucking). In this behavior, the callous kind, he reminds me of mine. There was a time in college when during every visit home, my mother reduced me to tears, and afterwards became the most charming person. It was as if it was necessary for her to break me down each time to know she still had power, and the retention of that power put her at ease.

E said he didn't want to lose me, and I assured him he wouldn't, that I have loved him and care for him and that we will be better than we ever were constantly struggling to make something impossible work. Then I thought, 'lose me? After pushing me out of your life, you need to check in that I'm not lost to you? There isn't anything you've lost that you didn't have and turn your nose up at you snobby brat'. Eventually in college, I quit going home.