deep n' dark

I slept this weekend. I did a few activities, but for the most part the past 48 hours were spent unconcious and dreaming my ass off. Two particularly memorable dreams were where I took an acting job, and realized I had forgotten how to act--trying to decide if I should just quit my dream play or if I should ask for the time off at work to do the play. The other was about T--he was dating some French chick and I went to the French mansion to have this heart to heart and they were on their way to the hot-tub. I freaked out on him and he was unphased. This is what my subconcious wrestles with--that I'm unimportant, without purpose and unloved. It seems that these opinions and fears have run my life. I gave up acting to have a job where if not loved I am at least needed... As for my purposelessness... I don't know. I remember an incident as a child where I decided I was probably wrong and to keep my mouth shut--but if I have been keeping my mouth shut since I was six, how does one find a purpose that's been unexpressed or unexplored for 20 years?

I realize that this might not be interesting--but it's where I am. An unavoidable place, probably.

At a theater piece for young people--something about a princess that was going on in a theater in Texas, the princess asked the audience in a tizzy if her ring looked okay (she was nervous about meeting the prince). I stuck out my tongue in response. She rushed off stage to "take off'" the ring and my mother gave me quite the dissapproving look. When the princess returned to ask the audience "better?" looking directly at me, I didn't do a thing. What a silly reason to not be in a job I love making a difference.