Cusp This!

Monday, January 29, 2007

dating in new york

dating in new york takes balls.

Why is it that someone who has spent money on two seperate occasions on a girl who smiles at him and laughs at his jokes would not kiss this girl? Kiss on the subway. Kiss waiting for the subway. Kiss on the street even though it's cold.

I guess I could be more of a help.

acting out

I went to the stop-the-escalation-in-Iraq protest this weekend. When I told my father he said, 'you went to that thing?' and when I told my grandmother she cheered. You could say we are a divided country.

I left my wallet at home today because I have a date tonight and I wanted the brown bag to go with my outfit. Switching purses is not my highest talent. I did manage to pack all my make-up though.

I have put the two above paragraphs together because either one singularly is pretty awful.

Best sign at the protest : 'This war is dumb'

Thursday, January 25, 2007


I flirted with strangers tonight. Intently.

I had a blind date last Saturday that was totally fun, and I had hoped would at least provide a second date and some french kissing. Then it seemed to dissipate. C'est la vie. I have a feeling I can be too much. Too much the smart one. Too much that girl--as if there were another girl I could be. Flip the switch and I'm sexier or nicer or anything other than the person I am.

It's here guys. After a year and half of discussion, searching and observing I'm at the point where I am ready to date.

It's completely terrifying.

I did the "ideal" I did the opposite, I then read books, took classes and now I'm going to really have a relationship. One where I am there. I have no idea what will happen.

I've stepped up to my potential, my actualization. Is there somebody out there that will take that on? And that will also have sex with me?

Only time will tell.

Shakespeare said "Time, thou must unravel this not I,
It is too hard a knot for me to untie"

name the quote... come on--without googling.


Wednesday, January 24, 2007

if only

had the best time tonight. If I were a lesbian perhaps I would have met my soul mate. I am however not. BdS was great. We went to the same college but where never there at the same time. She's smart and powerful. We are hopefully going to carpool down to dc for the stop the escalation march.


I promise to let you know if I become a lesbian. I think we're looking at a 2.5 percent chance.

Monday, January 22, 2007


Running out to karate class. Miss my cyber life.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

work has eaten my face

le sigh. I want to talk--and maybe I should get a blackberry to post comments. Or I could maybe do audio while I'm walking to work... I'm fascinating and silly "time" is keeping me from contributing my brilliantness to the internets!!! For this, I am so sorry.

YB the delusional wonder

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Dear Guys...

I'm writing to you, anonymous friends, rather than calling my parents.

I went out on what was to be a quintessential New York evening. Cocktails with high net-worth and beautiful girl-friends at a "hot" new spot. Expenses accounts. etc.

It started out luxurious. People I never thought I would know, and experiences I never thought I would have. And yet, walking home I thought, "fuck, we are all alone in the end." Damn Tolstoy and his forward-thinking. We are (I am) so lonely. So lonely.

I went to some bar in the hopes I could connect to a person I met at the pre-party. Turns out she's in love with the bar tender (who is seriously dating someone 13 years his junior) and just wanted a human (anyone really) to act as a smoke screen to her fascination.

So I did.

In doing so I touched into my deep need for a relationship (any kind) where someone 'gets me' and doesn't judge it.

It's a need that may go unmet.

However, I hope tonight I acknowledged (or at least started to...) that it is there

Sunday, January 07, 2007

volunteer work

I'm volunteering with a non-profit that advocates for victims of sexual abuse. In the training process I've learned really really scary numbers and facts. Did you know the term 'rule of thumb' comes from a british law set up in the 1800s that when beating your wife with an object any object thicker than a thumb would be illegal abuse. What the fuck...???

Saturday, January 06, 2007

wade right in

New York City
January 6th, 2007
75 degrees
people in shorts and flip-flops

I'm thinking of jumping of the Brooklyn Bridge while the fall could still kill a person. Soon enough it will be as menacing as a high dive board.

Friday, January 05, 2007

The next big thing

So, I love gossip blogs. And today there was this post.

Wouldn't it be interesting if the new trend after nipple slips and crotch slips and whatever where boner slips? I think so. I think it's a great idea.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Blue Balls

Okay, today was supposed to be my very first class as a karate Blue Belt. However, the website says that the class begins at 7:30 and I showed up at 7:15 to get ready and the class was beginning. The class is a 7:15-8:15 class and has been since August.

Well, I got upset. I wasn't going to start my first class going in late. I got pissed I stayed at work for 2 hours when I could have been home. I'm upset that I feel so fat after the holidays. For whatever crazy reason, this being late/deciding to skip it situation really really put me over the edge.

I called and politely asked them to update their website.

I can either be upset as I walk home and get over it in 30-60 minutes, or I can break down right now for maybe 5 minutes crying and be fine in 7-10 minutes.

I'm weighing my options.

Monday, January 01, 2007

New York, NY

I'm back. I had a great, relaxing week where I tore through books, did yoga with my mom, watched football with my dad, played Scrabble with my granny and wondered if I will ever make an impact on the world or why I would want to...

The people I love most in my life, I love for their simple exsistence for simply being who they are. Yet, I have never loved myself for that. I keep waiting for myself to do that one meaningful thing to earn my own love and admiration.

Thinking this is possible--that there is a feat lying in wait for me so that I may someday become myself--at least keeps the dramatic tension up.