Cusp This!

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Things I've learned from Drew Barrymore:

1) "A bird may love a fish, Signor, but where will they live?" -Drew's character in 'Ever After'

That's pretty much it. Though in 'Ever After' the answer is that Leonardo DaVinci creates costume wings and Drew and who ever plays the Prince (Henry--in France) live Happily Ever After. Maybe if I knew a genius he could design me clothes and I'd Happily Fly to Germany and T's arms.

I bet it would be cool to be a Barrymore; everyday would be like Long Day's Journey into Night.

I totally watched Ever After because it was on Fox and leaving my apartment is like stepping into a Mosh Pit of suburbanites who know they should be having fun, but just can't seem to manage it. I heart Times Square.

Friday, December 30, 2005

For your consideration

I must admit, I am receiving 'for your consideration' DVDs this awards season. It's awesome. They belong to the guy who we sublet from, and my roommate and I are watching them all before sending them on to LA. So I can say that JuneBug is excellent, especially if you've just spent 10 days in Tennessee, if you are Southern, or have lived in a Southern town, or known a Southern family. If you haven't done any of these things, I think you will probably still love it. If you've seen or read the play 'Dead Eye Boy' the same author (Angus MacLachlan) adapted this.

In other news, I've been e-vited to a Hanukkah/New Year's party thrown by a guy I knew in High School and haven't seen since. He's a Rabbi, and from the evite, it appears most of the other party-goers are too--I know none of them. I really feel this is an opportunity not to be missed; I wish Angus MacLachlan would go with me.

Thursday, December 29, 2005


MSN is suggesting that my New Year's Resolution should be to forgive someone (according to my astrological sign that apparently would be my best choice).

I figured that I should forgive E since the thought of him drives me crazy, and maybe forgiveness is the way to exorcise him from my mind. The trouble is if I forgive him for being such an ass, I don't know if I can forgive myself for ever caring about him. I can't figure out a way for us both to get out of this forgiven. I'd rather forgive myself and call him a monster.

Oh, Woody

I saw Match Point last night, and I loved it. Yep, really loved it. I thought it was suspensful, exciting, and full of believable characters (though Scarlet was clearly the weakest.) She was very beautiful and sexy and was good at delivering that-kind-of-woman feel, but her disappointed actress moments were disappointing. The character was written to be more neurotic, typical-Woody, Dianne Wiest delicate self-esteem type and it made me want to see Dianne in Hannah and her Sisters. At any rate, I absolutely recommend it.

An article on MSN today said that workers lose about 40 minutes of work productivity to reading blogs. I think that may be because working without breaks isn't favorable. If I had to estimate the time I actually work out of an 8 hour day, I think I would say 4.5 hours.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

how to lose a guy in 10 days

That was a dumb movie that I saw once on a China-town bus trip from DC to New York, but the title reminds me of my ten day adventure to my hometown, Tennessee.

I arrived on the 17th and this morning I was at work at 9 am after landing at LGA at 7:30. I was shocked there wasn't more traffic getting into the city. I was imagining cabs and rush hour, but I even had time to drop off my jumbo bag at the apartment before work.

Things with T and I were complicated and wonderful. There is still no plan in effect. I will write more later on that topic, and of course my 'Dec 26th annual party at yb's parents house for random high school friends' deserves an entry.

I don't think I lost T, but I don't have him either. I mean, that kind of timeline makes 10 days seem like a short visit.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Home for Christmas

I missed the black out and now I’m missing the transit strike. I’m not sure if I should feel lucky or left out.

Things in TN hum along in their complex way. My mother told me yesterday that she thinks she’s ‘not long for this world’ because she has been experiencing shortness of breath. I started to freak out and then realized that about 10 years ago she was sure she was about to be confined to a wheelchair because of foot pain and 5 years ago assured me that my father was on the verge of losing his eyesight. I have to try to keep perspective in any conversation with my mother. This all came up when Dad told a hilarious story of her going carrot juice commando in some extreme health fit. She decided that she should drink carrot juice constantly for days and then suddenly ended up in the emergency room with horrible stomach cramps. She then undercut the whole thing (after he had left the room) by confiding she might die and it really wasn’t something to laugh about.

Whenever I wonder about why I’m drawn to the people I am in relationships, I look to my parents 27 year marriage that always makes me ask: “how on earth?”

On that front, T and I are spending the nights together, and having amazing sex. He is being emotionally distant though. It appears to be a cross between I am being punished and he is protecting himself. I am being punished because the last few years of us were harder on him than me. That is his opinion, but I am inclined to agree with it, as I was in new places meeting new people and pursuing my theater goals and he was in the same place doing the same thing and missing me (of course I missed him too). He is angry that I never compromised and moved to him, though he never did that for me either.

On the other hand I think part of his behavior is that he loves me and doesn’t want me to come waltzing home for the week and expect his undivided attention, only to disappear again leaving him in the position that made him angry in the first place. I understand better how he feels than ever before. I am still unsure how to fix it. He told me that he didn’t think that coming to Germany (or Bangladore) would be enough. That he wants to continue our we-love-each-other-but-are-not-together status until fate of whatever finds the solution. Yeah, looks like it’s almost time to fake a pregnancy. Just Kidding!!!!

That’s the news from the South-land, all my love to my walking NY buddies.

Also, I am stumped for what to get my father for Christmas. He’s the guy who buys everything he needs and doesn’t want anything that he doesn’t need. Therefore, to get him a gift he would appreciate, I must channel what he will need in the future now. Any tips?

Monday, December 19, 2005


Im blogging from T's bed. I love him. We had the 'what are we doing talk' last night. We are both so stubborn. He won't ask me to come with him, and I don't know if I'm wanted. Though I did tell him if we can not find a way to work this out I will be very disappointed in this world. I will write more later.

It's fun to drive again, a stick shift even.

Friday, December 16, 2005


I fly to TN tomorrow, I'm still at work right now. Work is great, but busy.

E left me a confrontational voice mail about me yelling at him drunkely; I sent him one back saying, "I'm sorry you feel victimized" with an understood "you sorry Pussy." I can't believe he would call me to guilt me into an apology! If I felt bad about it, I would have apologized.

So, you should hear less about E as it appears we are not speaking. That is fine.

What I am not fine with is my fever blister. I never get these, and I have one now, and it looks gross and I am medicating it all to hell, but still it remains.

Happy fever-blister-free Holidays, blog-world!

I'll be blogging from the south in no time.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Tis the Season

Before my drama party drama last night, I got hit on by a boy I might could really like. We'll see if he calls me, or if it was just that he wanted go home me that night. He went to school with me, actually, I'm pretty sure he was in E's class. Yes, he was. Huh.

We've always sort of had an interest in each other, not necessarily a dating interest, but more a feeling of recognition. Guess it all depends if he calls me.

I also was mildly hit on at the forgettable reading Sunday by one of the other actors. We got a drink that night and had a nice conversation, but it wasn't as exciting as the school boy: WR.

Oh, and at work today I met this other boy. He works in an office on my floor. He is a partner in a film company--an actor turned small business owner.

So, all these things can fortify me when I remember how that stupid party ended. The dirty details are as follows:
E came up to me and said, 'hi.'
I responded with, 'Where's your girlfriend?'
'I didn't bring her, I'm not crazy.'
'I can't talk to you' and I turned around into a group of my friends standing by the bathroom and cried.

If that were all it wouldn't be so bad. But later when I was making my rounds to say goodbye to people I came across him in the outside space in the bar and said goodbye to my friends, he said something again and I said 'I'm not talking to you.' and one of the friends (not one I knew well enough to join in) said 'E, go away.' That's a little embarrassing. Anyway.

Wasn't the whole point of this post that the world is full of cute boys, and that I must look cute in winter clothes?

Monday, December 12, 2005

aw, fuck

I ended up going to a party of college friends tonight. I am drunker than I've ever blogged before.

If any of this is legible, it's a happy circumstance. I saw stupid E, and I saw a lot of friends before asshole showed his face.

It is not him. It is the idea of him.

Who he actually was was never enough, and I know that, even shit-faced.

Anyway, as I was prostituting myself around the room (after he arrived of course, up until then I was having a great time), I thought, 'How absurd.' So there was self-awareness in action--somewhere. I though about asking friends of mine, who probably would of, to kick his ass. But it boiled down to me, in a drunken moment, that all of this was my struggle. He just took on a part for a moment (hopefully one that the artistic director would remember) but nonetheless a moment. A moment.

Fuck him.
It didn't prove a thing except I looked nice. And.... really, only that I looked nice.

Fuck us both, I guess

I am so drunk. I hope I can make it tomorrow. And I do hope, in my drunken rage, that he will suffer. Suffer equally. Not greatly (as nothing between us was great) but equally.

It's important deep down that all of us hurt at some point.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Theater, thou cruel mistress

It turned out through complete coincidence that I was invited to participate in a reading today by the theater company I was creaming over a few posts ago doing the Revenger's Tragedy. I took over a role within an hour of rehearsal. It was a whole experience, that I want to take more time to explain (tomorrow at work).

At the end of the reading there was a 'talk-back' about the play with some of the audience and people from this company etc. Afterwards, I sought out the director of Revenger's Tragedy who had been there for the performance, talk-back, etc. to tell him how impressed I was with the production. In the course of this quick interaction it became undeniably clear that he didn't recognize me as having performed in the reading that had concluded 30 minutes ago.

That sucked.

Friday, December 09, 2005

performance anxiety

On top of this being my 100th posting, I have found out I have been linked by the Daily Dave. So, I've begun asking around about steroids. I have to admit that when my blogging life began, it was because I read so many funny and interesting blogs and didn't want to sign in to comment as anonymous. Though it was also because my gay friends were sick of hearing about my dating drama, and when one's queer friends reach their limit, the internet is the only place left to turn.

So, with this little post I would like to express my deep admiration and thanks to my 'read and admire' list. You guys rock.

It's the first real snow of the season, on my way down an entirely unshoveled 23rd street today I saw a person stuck in a power wheelchair, just spinning in the snow. Don't worry, it's melted by now. I didn't see them when I headed out for lunch.

Thursday, December 08, 2005


Oh lord, I am bored. I have a lot to do (at work) but I don't want to do it. I want to read blogs, or Harold Pinter's acceptance speech for the Nobel award for literature, or BOTH. I do not want to write e-mails just checking in. I do not want to do important data entry. I want to take a nap--and I might. I just might.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


So, I met a boy at work. That makes it sound like something. It wasn't anything, but I interviewed a boy that was Hot. Very attractive. The thing is, I've never been interested in someone when there was a role to be played.

He seemed very nice, there was a lot of eye contact, but he may just have been giving a good interview...


I have all his contact information, though I couldn't imagine actually doing anything with it--except checking Friendster, which he's not on.

If he weren't so hot this would not be a problem. I wish I were senior enough to bring him in on some of my projects. *places devil horns on head and licks lips with forked tongue*

At any rate, it's fun to think about.

Monday, December 05, 2005


I heard a fantastic singer tonight at the 24-hour plays. His name is Matthew Brookshire and I bought one of his CD's so that some day I can tell everyone I saw that one coming. He has a place on myspace, the one internet vice I'm holding out on, but I recommend if you're already on it to find him.


Okay, Okay,

What's red and bad for your teeth? Bricks

I know, but it's an upgrade from the last one.

Update on ridiculous yb love-life: T must relocate to keep his job, because his company just got as their new CEO some dude from Wal-Mart who decided that making everyone relocate to Texas OR resign was cheaper than laying people off with severance packages. Gotta hand it to the Wal-mart monsters, I mean moguls. They are sharp.

T has refused Texas in favor of 1. Munich or 2. Bangladore.

When there is more to tell, I'll tell.

Saturday, December 03, 2005


I slept until 4pm today. Not for any reason other than my weekend job has ended and I don't really know what to do with myself.

Heard this joke last night: "Why didn't Hitler drink Whiskey? It made him mean." I know, but I thought I should try to remember it. I only know 2 jokes so I'll take what I can get.

Last night I went to a screening of KW's, one of my college classmates, film "Beach Party at the Threshold of Hell." It was great, very odd, but I think it could make one of my classmates (the one I least expected) a huge fucking star. I hope it does. PW could be the next Will Farrell.

Before the main feature they showed a short film by CP "Destiny's Dream" that I have a small role in. I appear as the teacher, and I come off pretty well. It was strange because by the end of the evening a few people said 'good work' to me. And first off, it was like I had forgetten that I was even in it, that the person on the screen was someone else, someone who I was a long time ago (last Christmas). I am relieved I did not look fat though.

That's all the news from my silly little life. It's almost 5. I will find something to do with myself.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Talking 'bout my generation

Friendster, you define my generation.

I found out today that friends of mine broke up on Friendster. I first noticed in an update that JT had changed his profile to 'It's Complicated.' Today I saw that his now-ex had changed hers to 'Single.' They have both removed photos of them together. What a fucking weird way to find things out. I called him saying as much and that I was sorry to hear the news.

Also, E's new girlfriend is listed as 'In a Relationship' and has a picture with him on her profile. He looks really bad in it--a funny angle or something. She looks cute, but nothing like me, again an odd but welcome comfort. She's cute but (at least in pictures) does not come off as an Angelina up-grade. Friendster.

I wonder if I ever have kids what sort of crazy world they will live in. I should call my grandmother and explain Friendster as the newest improvement on gossip. It's probably not that different a world, just that news travels faster.

If you haven't read this open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, it's pretty funny.

Can I?

An email I really want to send:

Dear E,

I find it detrimental to our friendship when you tell me stories about having the opportunity to fuck my dear friend’s little sister but deciding not to in deference to your new girlfriend. It was not the best way to bring up the topic. I am not KE (his roommate), after all.

At any rate, I do sincerely hope for your happiness, and for your completely lost common sense to return to you. See you at the Christmas party!