Cusp This!

Friday, March 31, 2006


So, I had my little audition, and it went well enough--to be honest it went fine. Fine means a no-go in most cases. I have to admit though, I was very happy with myself. I was relaxed and honest--which is what my goals usually are for myself. On top of it being fine, when I walked in and checked in with the receptionist he said, "oh, I thought you were a brunette." I said, "my roots are--maybe we can compromise." Charming but the two other girls I saw come in were brunette so I may not have been what they were looking for.

My work email is down and I'm feeling like I should be doing more work and can't. That's the news so far. I have exciting plans to do laundry tonight. It's been awhile since I've done laundry on a Friday night. I used to do it that way all the time while I was dating E since he worked at his restaurant on Fridays. I would do my laundry and meet him around midnight and we would go out from there or just cab up to his apartment.

Isn't the world a funny place? The past feels so far away sometimes and so close sometimes.

Thursday, March 30, 2006


I have been called in for an audition tomorrow. I said I would go--I have a cold and feel that the bags under my eyes could be cast in a few comedies--but I'm going. It's also the day I'm supposed to ask for a raise at work, and will be on a long lunch break. Whee!

I am supposed to do monologues for this audition. So I have to remember them...

Wednesday, March 29, 2006


Tonight's star sightings included seeing one of my best friends on the WB (there was a viewing party in Harlem). Then I went to JH(m)'s restaurant and saw Hank Azaria and Matthew Perry.


I went to a 'guideline's for living' seminar yesterday to support a friend. I ended up crying--more than once and signing up to spend 30 hours with a bunch of other strangers who are trying to 'learn about living the life you want.' I feel that I may have also--upon signing up and putting money down--signed some confidentiality agreement that I wouldn't blog about it. I'm totally going to blog about it. I don't begin it until May. I hope they don't try to reform my charming cynicism. Really, everyone loves my cynicism. Will I still be funny if I find peace? Big questions indeed!

Work is hectic.

My father is visiting this weekend and I am really excited to see him.

I'm fighting off a cold that I think I got from my nephews or niece and their dirty house.

In other news, I got pseudo asked out. It was a guy I meet at a reading months ago who is a friend of my dear friend AC. When we met he was leaving for DC in a few days so I told him to call me when he got back to the city. Well, he followed up--including asking AC for my number. AC gave him my work number and promptly called me to let me know the situation.

I have been so uninterested in dating, and so hung up on T. But you have to admire the business savvy of this guy; he followed up. I got the message on Monday and returned his call Monday evening around 7. He hasn't called me yet. I'm wondering if he's trying to give as much of a lull as I did (he called Saturday and I called him Monday night) or what happened...

Don't worry about me, but the end of May I expect to have found inner peace and lost my sense of humor.

Monday, March 27, 2006


Time of arrival at work 8:15

Estimated time of departure 7:15

Amount of work: only slightly more than normal

Amount of blogging: less than 45 minutes

Something does not add up.

Sunday, March 26, 2006


On Metro-North today (returning from a visit to see my sister-in-law and her 3 wild children and floors covered in Cap'n Crunch dust) I was doing Sudoku puzzles and listening to music. Luckily, my music was quiet enough to make out when the girl next to me told her friend, "I really want to become a life-coach because there's no certification for it." Sweet.

Friday, March 24, 2006


If you live in New York, or have ever visited Times Square chances are you have met the 'do you like stand-up?' guys. They ask 'do you like stand-up comedy?' as crowds rush by. If you are green enough to stop or make eye-contact with these people (usually young white guys--you can pick them out because they stand in huddles, have large jackets and laminated 'back stage pass' type tags around their necks) they will talk to you about where to see stand-up and try to sell you a pass to a certain show that in inevitably very far from where you are and possibly doesn't exist. Maybe the venues do exist, but I tend to be skeptical of any piece of paper bought on the street.

Today while barreling past Penn Station, I heard someone say, 'hey, miss, you dropped something.' I immediately thought, 'No I didn't, they don't mean me' since I was carrying only my purse and a grocery bag with apples, but out of the corner of my eye I say a hand pointing at the sidewalk behind me and instinctively turned. I glanced back at nothing then looked up to ask the do-gooder what they were talking about. I was staring straight into the eyes of 'do you like stand-up comedy' guy. I recognized immediately the 'back-stage pass' laminated tag over the large black puff jacket. "It's your sense of humor," he answered quick as lightening. I could see him reaching for the pass to sell me, and said 'no, no,' but contact had been made and he asked me not only if I liked stand-up comedy, but where I was from, if he could take me to dinner (no) or dinner and a movie tomorrow (no) and if I liked skinny white guys (yes) followed by a high five and then a hug. Two women that passed by giggled together. I have to admit, he's the best 'do you like stand-up comedy' guy I've ever seen.

I walked away laughing.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

link--or not.

Blogger won't let me post a link, so cut and paste. You should really look at this:

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Working non-stop

Haven't had a chance to talk about the modern dance concert I went to, or the rat a saw destroying a McDonald's ketchup packet at the 14th St station waiting for the uptown A. Haven't worked out in what seems like ages. I did take time today to read MSN gossip where Portia forget-her-last-name (Ellen's girlfriend) discussed her eating disorder, which, at the worst point she was 5'8" and 82 pounds. Unfortunately that sounds more fascinating than repulsive to me.

Monday, March 20, 2006


I took the day off work to help out JH(f) as a reader for a play she's casting. It was a quick reminder why theater and I broke up.

I found out today that T booked a month long trip to Germany; he leaves next week. I begged him to consider spending some time (maybe a month) in New York doing the same thing he plans to do in Germany (language classes and work). It was a quick reminder that T and I might never be.

I went to a party for JH's birthday where many of his work friends were. E and JH work together. Of the many work folks I hadn't really seen, they were all so sweet and pleased to see me. More than one of them said of E "You're better than him." It was a quick reminder of why we broke up; when one's own friends think the person they are dating is better than them, it can't last very long.


I spent the weekend on a roadtrip: 6 hours to a town outside of Pittsburgh. One of my co-workers is there and her Mom invited us to a 30th surprise party. Proving that we are awesome girls my boss and I drove down and back and her boyfriend came along, so did their two yorkies. Hijinks did ensue. I will write more tomorrow but it's really late, and it's a school night.

Thursday, March 16, 2006


I work so much that I just spent 30 minutes of my non-work hours surfing Friendster where I added a Yoga Studio and a boy that my friend has a crush on. This is the kind of thing I should be taking care of from 9-5 people!


So, the Mesclun Goat Chesse Salad from Whole Foods just blew my mind. You guys should try it.

More responsibility at work is keeping me from long and musing postings. Hopefully it will result in more money though, and then I can hire a more witty writer. Dave, maybe you could email me with your availability?

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

nothin big

I saw a very large rat tonight waiting for the A at West 4th Street. I was waiting for the train, the rat wasn't really waiting for anything. He found a discarded, round plastic deli tub in the middle of the train with what I surmise was egg salad leftovers inside. The rat firmly planted its legs and its tail was straight behind him while he shoved his face into the container to eat. His position made me think of a squirrel. I know that they are both technically 'rodents,' but I think rats and squirrels must be more closely related. I know, I know, profound insight.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006


Today I realized we refer to someone as out of their mind or insane. I thought that was cute until I realized that insane is probably just the way some scribe wrote down the word unsane when hearing someone's accent.

In other news I have grown addicted to sudoku and am taking a 6 hour road trip with my boss and her boyfriend this weekend. I told myself I wouldn't get crazy drunk around her again, but I don't know what we'll talk about for 6 hours if I'm not a little tipsy... She also suggested that we get new outfits for the event we are traveling to, making me wonder if she really doesn't get that I'm poor and I'll buy new clothes the same time I get my roots done and that will be the day after I get my raise.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Oh, reality

Tonight I meet up with a friend of mine who will be a very important casting director soon. We saw a movie and then meet up with her employer/mentor/general friend who is an important casting director now. JH(f) wanted to have this informal sit down because she thinks I'm right for a part that she is about to assist important casting director in casting.

Life is funny. What will be really funny is if I actually get seen for it, but it is very sweet that she really believes that I'm right for. I actually did one of the initial readings for the project when I was working with the writer after graduating college.

The 'meeting' went well enough, but the best part about these sorts of things now is how little I give a fuck. I always excelled in my day jobs because I could care less and was funny and easy-going, but with theater I was very serious and much less charming. Now that I expect so much less from theater, and so very much less of "powerful theater people" things go great. I'm not saying I'll get called in, or people who enjoy my cocktail wit are pursuing me for Broadway. I'm simply saying that I, and everyone around me, has a much better time.

After my high powered evening, I came home just a wee bit not sober. A new friend had made me his friendster which lead me down the path of spending too long looking up Friendster people I only vaguely remember or care about, including E's girlfriend (who he had broken up with before Valentine's day but it seems to be back on.) That was our pattern too. He and I had a pre-Valentine's hiccup, but when Spring is in the air, it's so much easier to pretend to love someone.

My heart did race a bit, but I am happy to report that the E thing is close to out of my system. I'm still not looking forward to running into him on the street, but I am better.

T is another story, but there was also a real aka mutual relationship there. I think it's fair to expect more time on that front. But spring is spring, we've had a few days of gorgeous weather, and I'm beginning to do some blatant man gazing--which, I maintain, never hurt nobody. :o)

Friday, March 10, 2006


Well, I hesitate to mention this because I feel like we've known about global warming so long that it's hardly news, but it looks like T is being forced to quit his job. Really, finally after 7 years at a position he has basically despised for 6, the end is here. I can't help but think it's a good thing, except that he seems to have decided to move to Germany. Yeah, how's that for fear of commitment? If one does not have a job as an excuse to not be together, an ocean makes a great excuse.

I have a fabulous idea: move to a country where I know no one, do not speak the language, do not have the right to work and find a new job. Yep, sounds totally rational. Why would one move to New York in such a situation? Why move to one of the most international cities in the world where the woman who I say I love lives and has an apartment and people speak English, where I can get on a plane and after a 2 hour flight see my family? That would just be silly.

There is nothing one can do when facing insanity. One cannot reason with it, one must simply let it run its course. Some would argue one must move on and throw away foolish hope.

Thursday, March 09, 2006


Vulgar financial talk. I'm really upset that I have had to ask my father for a hand-out today. I'm having a meeting with my boss in 2 and a half weeks to make sure that never happens again, BUT until then I'm stuck in this living hell.

I wish like hell I was an adult sometimes. Just when I have a foothold in grown upland something happens to remind me I'm a child. Something like asking my father for money and then getting to feel indebted for not only life, education, everything but also a dollar amount. DAMN DAMN DAMN

It's just frustrating, and I want the problem fixed yesterday, not 2 weeks from now. Nor am I interested in going through the motions of finding the awesome PC way to say--THIS IS NEW YORK, YOU ARE MY EMPLOYER BUT YOU ARE ALSO MY FRIEND AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I PAY IN RENT--FOR THE FUCKING LOVE OF GOD WHY DOES THIS EVEN HAVE TO BE A DISCUSSION AND WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE TWO WEEKS AWAY???

Really, I promise I'm done now. Embarrassing and awful.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Be gentle

I have a friend who is planning on moving to NYC. He's my actor friend, the one who I tried to talk out of auditioning for grad school programs because they are expensive and well, because I think he might be sorta drawn to plays like Brilliant Traces... I am trying not to judge (too loudly) because chances are he'll be sitting pretty on Law & Order someday.

At any rate, he's moving here in August or September or something and he wants to live with me. St Matthew, the best roommate to have walked the earth, will be leaving around that time to move to DC with his one true love to happily-ever-after-ville. I cannot live with CB though. I love him, I am grateful for our friendship, but I would shoot myself in the face after a week of him.

So when he asked me point blank today about it via chat I said, "I don't think you can live with me." Then capitulated that it was a long way off and let's see what happens, but really it's for-fucking-ever away. I think people who have not lived in NY before don't realize it's pointless to try to get an apartment more than a month in advance, and I would wager more like 2 weeks in advance.

Anyway, I just hope I've quelched that fire without incurring awful karma. Watch me get stuck with some freak from Craigslist who burns the place down and CB will say I told you so for the rest of our lives.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006


I don't know who wrote the play "Brilliant Traces" and I don't even feel it is worth googling. It is a bad play, and it attracts bad actors to it like honey. So much so that two actors sought out a director to help them mount this monstrosity which would have been tedious with Phillip Seymore Hoffman and Parkey Posey.

If I wrote a cheesy screwed up boring ass play with two characters I could at least be assured it would be performed in high schools for years to come and occasionally by bad actors in small, unknown New York blackboxes. Hell, who knows, if it were really trite and obvious, maybe I could win an Oscar for Best Picture...

Monday, March 06, 2006

Wait it out

I have spent my whole life waiting.

I am currently waiting on T, who I believe is the love of my life, to make some decisions. He is a wait-oriented person as well. This tendency allowed us to have a 8 year relationship much of it long distance, and encourage each other to pursue entirely different career paths and still think that everything would work out. We broke up when he told me he couldn't wait any more. That I had not chosen him too many times. It didn't occur to me to choose him; I thought I had him.

He is about to start making more decisions because he is being forced to by his career. I am waiting to see what will happen because I want us to work out so much. I feel like once he makes his I can choose him the way I didn't before.

But who knows if that will work.

Guess we'll have to wait and see what happens.

Sunday, March 05, 2006


Every year, I think just maybe the Academy won't suck. I guess I'm an optimist, but, Crash??? Come on! It was my least favorite of all the nominees!

I enjoyed both George Clooney and Reese Witherspoon's speeches, they were intelligent and interesting. And that's all I'm taking from this year.

Boo, Oscars, I disagree!


Keira Knightley looks like Winona Ryder, but can act.

Saturday, March 04, 2006


I have been plagued by nightmares the past few days about people I hardly know being generally mean, snubbing me, or refusing my friendship. I think it probably means that an earthquake is coming.

Thursday, March 02, 2006


Today as I walked home from work I found myself behind a guy who had extreme potential to be attractive, but it was rainy, and walking-rush-hour and I didn't try hard enough to see more than a partial profile including a strong jaw and attractive stubble. I lost him on 35th and Seventh when I started heading East. After going half way down that block and passing a golf store I remembered the Deli I was heading to was on 7th, not 6th and turned back.

Guess who was in the Deli? And he was cute.

The guys behind the separate sandwich and salad areas seemed dazed and the relatively short lines were compliant. I waited for salad while the boy waited by sandwiches where there was another guy. After waiting beyond what was polite, cute boy wandered back to the restrooms and the woman in front of me finally got her salad. Then the befuddled sandwich maker began to think he had just finished a sandwich for a ghost. I was in a less than hateful mood and took it upon myself to say, "There's another guy, I think he went to the restroom" the sandwich guy repeated that back to me, then discussed it with the salad guy then set the sandwich aside to worry about later. While I was still waiting for the salad guy to help me, cute boy came back. "Did you order already?" I asked and he looked at me and his eyes almost lit up, but he stifled that and said "yeah." "They almost got rid of your sandwich" I said nonchalantly as the sandwich guy handed over the food. Cute guy smiled then said, "excuse me" to get to the register.

When I was finally leaving with my salad, I stopped by cute guy who was by the door. "I'm sorry, do I know you, you looked familiar and then when we made eye-contact... Did you go to school in North Carolina?" He said "Yes," named our mutual friend and a student film we both worked on in the city. He didn't recognize me concretely since I didn't have on the glasses I wore in the film. He was doing cinematography and was on his way to a night shift editing for some TV show. We chatted a bit, he was having a bad day and vented to me a bit, then I told him it was nice to see him and headed home with my salad.

Nothing happened, except I got to chat with a cute boy who thinks of me as an actress and not a regular old normal person. It brightened my day.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006


I seem to have suddenly become a person who consistently uses smiley faces in emails. I fought and fought this trend, but I feel that among my co-workers the omission of a smiley is an outright insult. I remember in one of my first professional emails after college I was accused of having 'tone.' I was shocked--I put a lot of thought into wording that email, but it did lack a smiley.

I'm trying to find away to adapt to the world without hating myself in the morning...