Cusp This!

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Apple Pie

I'm in NC with my granny. I tried to send a email Christmas card via my yahoo account and couldn't. I'm annoyed that yahoo thinks that sending to over 200 contacts makes you a spammer. I want to call and yell at them though I'm sure they would offer me the solution of paying for my mail box... Perhaps I'll start using gmail as my main contact...

I know, fascinating right? It just made me so irrationally angry that I thought it was worth talking about. I've always thought my being completely irrational is worth documenting.

Anyway, Happy Happy Holidays!! I hope everyone got somthing unexpected and something much needed.

Friday, December 22, 2006

I survived

I ran the New York Office for my company this week. I can't believe all the stuff I got accomplished.

I rule.

Going to NC to see my Granny on Sunday, but tomorrow my brother and his 3 kids are coming in town for the day from CT. I'm taking them to see the tree, ice skating (probably bryant square ice skating), to a toy store (Toys R us or FAO), and dinner.

I hope the kids will also understand that I rule.

Monday, December 18, 2006

working for the weekend

So things at work have been slow with the impending holidays. My boss is taking this week off and I'm taking next week off to go to NC and be with my Granny.

I've mentioned before that I think my granny is perfect in every way so it should be a great vacation. We will play Scrabble and admire each other for just being cool.

Until then though I think I'm going to be working like a dog. Five new projects showed up on my desk today--and it's CRAZY! Luckily I ordered my families gifts this morning on Amazon because everyone else is going to have to wait.

Saturday, December 16, 2006


Songs are like tatoos...

I love Joni Mitchell.

Today I took a promotion test to become a karate blue belt. I would be perfectly happy staying a white belt forever, but that's not how the system works. So in order to challenge myself and have the possibility of learning new things, I took this promotion examination.

It was so stressful. Not because I didn't know everything but because I made it mean so much. For whatever reason in my mind, it was extremely significant. I cried. I was so on edge about being right or appropriate or whatever that when I caught one of my main instuctor's eye and he mouthed "Relax" I got all teary.

It wasn't sobbing. It was silent weird crying for no reason. The kind that you would think would look like a movie but instead results in splotchy face and bloodshot eyes. All in all I would categorize it as extremely attractive. I have to wait until Friday to find out if I promote. It could go either way right now.

In other news, I'm not yet planning to move to NC. What happened was that last week I was in a sexual situation where I said no, and then something happened anyway. I wasn't hurt, I simply was not listened to. I have yet to define the significance this has in my own mind... In other words--if I choose not to be a victim is this a victimless crime? It was someone that I knew so I don't feel some moral obligation to protect future victims... I don't want to feel some moral obligation is what I really mean. I don't know if I do, should, or anything.

It's complicated. I wish I hadn't opened my big blog mouth about it, but I don't want any of you sweet strangers to feel concerned for me, so I wanted to clear up the mystery. I promise, I'm okay.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Me and my secrets

I just deleted a post. I'm working on being more open and honest and sharing stories and myself. Being a Scorpio, I have a lot of resistence to the idea.

Even anonymously there are things I'm not quite up to talking about.

I'm okay, things are going to be okay, but right now I have to know more about what is going on before I talk about it. I'm really at a loss for words even. I know it's cheesy but I'm even afraid to give words to that big bad thing that happened. I'm afraid it will make it real, and really the whole drama with 'what happened' is about the meaning and attaching meaning to the events.

I'm not trying to be cryptic, I'm just working it out in my mind...

Sunday, December 10, 2006


Tonight I had a lovely evening. In wake of all the shit that happened approximately 48 hours ago, I realized that there are great people out there. Even if I only meet those people for 10 minutes and have a conversation that matters, it is worth more than the drama of years, months or days ago.

I've quoted Ani DiFranco before, but in her new album (which really everyone should own) she says: 'and I know that now is all there is'

I get it.

I hope I remember it tomorrow.


Considering moving to NC to live with my Grandmother.

Bad shit went down last night. I'm not really sure what to do. Running away seems like a great idea. I'll keep you posted. Perhaps when this need to vomit passes I'll explain better.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Holiday Party

I'm hiding out. My small company is in an office suite set-up. We plan to get our own office space soon, but until then we share a floor with several companies. The Office Suite management is throwing their holiday party tonight. I am expected to be charming with light acquaintances. These are people that may or may not say hello when I pass them in the hall on the way to the bathroom.

I have decided the only thing to talk about is celebrity gossip. It's times like this I wish I watched more TV because at least then I could discuss Grey's Anatomy for 30 minutes, have a free drink and feel like the evening was a success.

TV would be one holiday party solution. Another possible solution is drugs. Cocaine would solve all my social anxiety issues.

In other news, I am being encouraged to test for karate 'promotion'. I have one week to cram for the written portion. I think I have to not only know the Japanese terms for kicks but may also be expected to spell them.

This last paragraph is exactly what leads me to believe I will not have interesting Holiday Party discussions.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Benefits of Walking

I live in midtown, so I get to walk to and from work. Since I am not a morning person I find that walking gives me a good warm-up into the day. I get to be bitchy and aggressive as I walk past Port Authority, strategic around 34th street judging how soon the walk light will turn and how far off the traffic is. I get to be awed if I remember to look down any street to my left and see the colors of the sun rising into Manhattan, and it is around 27th-or 28th street that I get to live a fantasy life.

There’s this guy who walks north up eighth avenue while I walk south and it’s usually around 28th street that we cross paths. This occurs most mornings at about ten til 8 on the east side of the street. I recognize that this well dressed good-looking bespectacled man (with broad shoulders and dark hair that is just long enough to begin to curl at the ends) is probably gay. However, he is not definitely gay. He is therefore my imaginary boyfriend.

I imagine he lives on 25th street between 7th and 8th, that he is a lawyer, and that he thinks I am the sexiest woman alive. I should perhaps mention that I do not put my make-up on until after I arrive at my office, and that I usually wear hot pink pumas with my slacks as I trek from the 40s to the 20s (a little over a mile) at 7:30 am. Once, while wearing cute boots (vs. my usual sensible albeit loud walking shoes) at this early hour, Mr. Fantasy noticed me, and I smiled. Perhaps he noticed my boots appreciatively because he’s gay. Perhaps he is straight and will marry me. I choose the latter.

I know that we will go to gallery openings and benefits at the Met. We will donate generously to the arts, and non-profits for education. We will have cocktail hour after I move into his place. He will drink Manhattans and I will drink side cars. I will be a completely different person.

Mr. Fantasy, as I imagine him to be, doesn’t mesh with me at all. I have an apartment decorated entirely in stuff that old roommates and strangers left there. I have a loft bed and the only DVDs I own are seasons of the Family Guy and the recently released “Hits” of South Park. I enjoy a nice restaurant, but I could also eat empanadas everyday and be happy.

I’m an attractive person. I’m sure any man trapped on a deserted island will count himself very lucky indeed, but on an island boasting millions of people (many thousands being models) I am not always the hottest in the room. It’s hard to have realistic self-esteem in these circumstances. I’ve also read Naomi Wolf’s The Beauty Myth, so I very rarely blow-dry my hair or have a pedicure.

Once when a co-worker and I were discussing US weekly and Jennifer and Vince we determined that Vince would be the perfect guy for me. My co-worker was complaining that he seemed to never care what he looked like, was a guy’s-guy, and extremely talented at being a goof-ball. In short, Vince Vaughn is a more attainable man for me than Mr. Fantasy. But the point is that my morning walks are good exercise, mental and otherwise. Between Sudoku puzzles and Mr. Fantasy, I’m at least at a low risk for Alzheimer’s.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Sunday, Bloody Sunday

I have done nothing today. I am using my period as an excuse for this.

I realize that this is highly unfeminist.

Next time I think of an excuse I'll stick to unisex ones.