Power and Grace

I just found out the answer to that interview question 'where do you see yourself in 10 years'

Running for office

Good thing this blog is anonymous

Story-telling

So, yesterday was the culmination of the gigantic project at work. Our largest project of this kind to date, and it was not a total success. It all worked out and everything worked out well. I was on the result end of it, and I think that really everything was fine--better the fine--a success even. On paper, however, which is where my boss is looking from, what was delivered is not what was asked for...

I'm getting myself all worked up about it. I put in alot of hours, a lot of phone calls, and called in a lot of favors for this to come off as well as it did--but because it didn't look right on paper, I'm not getting any praise for it. I want praise. I didn't work this hard to feel badly or less-than about my efforts.

I called my dad about it and he told me he was proud of me. That made me feel about a million times better.

In these high-stress times, T has been totally absent. Of course, if I were laid off of a job I hated and only had 4 weeks left I would skip as much work as possible too. And we only really speak when he's in the office so that the evil corporation can pick up the international call tab. We have been "communicating" through very short emails and I'm freaking out that he's falling in love with some random European slut. I have nothing to base this idea on, except the rock hard foundation of fear.

My first forays back into the dating world have sent me scuttling back to my whole 'T in shining armor' fantasy. This is one of my favorite stories where I imagine the man who left me for another woman then ran away to Germany when he realized other woman was a psycho and things with me were wrecked ends up moving back to the US (in my most perfect dream-worlds to New York) and wants to have babies with me and grow old together. The other fantasy is that I pine away for him as my youth and beauty fades, but people write books and sing songs about me--people like Alfred Lord Tennyson who comes back from the grave I'm such an inspiring romantic.

Good lord, I need to get laid.

Create

So, I haven't been talking on this lately. I've been putting up posts, but I haven't done anything that this blog was suppose to do---spew my thoughts, ask questions, examine, discuss. I've had plenty to say: I am terrified of signing my first lease in New York. The responsibility is so overwhelming that I have thought more seriously than ever about moving to seatlle (providing T gets the job). If I move to Seattle, I should hope it is to have a relationship and not to avoid signing a lease! I totalled up my budget and for the first 4 weeks I went over $75.01 which I feel like isn't that bad considering. there are some expenses that I didn't count though... I'm starting again tomorrow with my limit. The trouble is that to get my perscription birth control filled it costs 30.00 and then I'm over budget for the day if I take the subway! So then I think--fuck it, I won't do it at all! But I won't let birth control be my reason to not be fiscally responsible. If I take $5 off my budget each day this week then I will have covered the co-pay. Wow--it's as easy as that. Certainly not worth saying fuck over.

I totally have a budget!

Working

My co-worker who is 'phasing out' was in last week. We worked together on Thursday and Friday and it was really nice. The complaining on her end was kept to a minimum, but she did have some things to say about our boss... For a little more than a week we have been working like mad on our biggest order yet. I have had to beg friends for help on it, trying to ensure a success for our company. This morning I spoke to the client, she was upset that she hadn't yet heard from our boss, updates to the contract, updates, etc. My boss went on vacation this weekend. About 2 seconds after she left, her email box was full and everything was returned as undeliverable.

:ol

I'm trying not to freak out.

Wrench

My sister-in-law and the 3 kids were supposed to come down to visit today. I made efforts for baseball tickets and theater tickets, and even though my contacts for free tickets didn't come through, I think I had managed to plan a pretty fun day for a 9,7, and 4 year-old. At 8am my sister-in-law called to tell me she was running a fever and had thrown up twice, and I said, okay, do you want to come down tomorrow? Keep me posted. But I have things to do tomorrow. I am scheduled to volunteer at a pro-choice orgnaization that I haven't been able to volunteer at lately and was very excited about it. I also have plans to see a friend in a play that is not 9, 7 and 4 year-old friendly. So, I can't help but feel like (because I have made plans) a boss when an employee 'calls out sick'. Sure you have a fever....

I called the contact person for volunteering to keep her in the loop. I guess we'll wait and see what happens...

Locked On

I went to the see the Yankees tonight. It was sudden: I got 4 tickets this morning from a friend, and made several phone calls. Unfortunately, at the last moment, my roommate couldn't get his restaurant shift covered so one of my other invites was able to bring his roommate, his very attractive, single, straight roommate. I plan to see this blue-eyed wonder again, and drink and have a summer fling. It's a very exciting possibility really.

Decline

Well, I had a tummy-ache today, so I bought Pepto-Bismol. Now, I am the person who has a bottle of Pepto-Bismol at my desk.

Terrible.

cusper

You guys, the cusp might just be here. T has actually, and finally received word that his position is being terminated. This could be the beginning. He may not be able to dilly-dally around in another country. He has 9 weeks paid severence package time, so he might dilly-dally that long, but he might be coming back to the US!

Of course he might accept a job in France.

Oh sweet mercy, I hope this works out.

[no title]

I spent the day sleeping, watching endless episodes of Family Guy and taking pain-killers. How much does this reflect on the date last night? probably 50-50.

2.0 strikes again

I'm on a budget. Did I tell you that? I now actually keep track of what I do with my money. It does take away some of the mystery. I used to look at my credit card statement and think "What the fuck was Azuri? My identity has been stolen!" I would then get an adrenaline spike, relive the past few weeks and realize it was the name of some random bar I went to. The upside of having a budget is that I feel like I suddenly understand myself better. It's like plotting the migratory movements of birds--yes I know that's a ridiculously weak metaphor, but I'm still on my pain killers from wisdom tooth extraction.

It's also easier to say no to things I don't want to do. "I would totally see the DaVinci code with you, but it would have to wait til next week. See I just started this budget thing..." and of course no one in New York plans far enough ahead to do next week and I'm off the Ron Howard hook!

It's also a great way to combat some bad habits. I've quit getting breakfast out. I eat instant oatmeal at my desk. It's much more healthy and gives me an extra ten minutes in the morning to not rush out the door. If I didn't have a budget I would probably say, forget it and not take the time to go to the store and spend more time money and calories on an egg and cheese wrap 5 times a week.

That's my budget story. Who knows, I may have kick started this whole side of my personality--maybe I'll start to be really responsible.

p.s. I have a date tonight with the MD from the plane, and I'm going to let him pay for dinner, because, let's face it, I'm on a budget.

waste

I spent 4 minutes of my life watching the Paris Hilton music video.

I would also like to point out that I finally saw An Inconvenient Truth, which I thought was wonderful, and if you are still willing to take advise from a girl that spent 4 minutes watching the Paris Hilton Music video, I would highly recommend the film.

twinkle

Considering dating again.

It's summer and there seems to be some interest... Who knows.

Hi-Def

I like to think of myself as a pretty low-maintenance girl. I don't have cable, I rarely shop, I enjoy the dutch date, but last night I watched (on pain killers) The March of the Penguins on my Dad's gigantic hi-def TV. Oh, penguins, it's like I never knew you! How much of the world am I missing out on?

wisdom-less

I had my wisdom teeth out yesterday and I think it went very well. I flew out from NY in the evening on what was supposed to be a direct flight to Hometown, TN, but the storm cancelled my flight. Luckily I got there quite early because I got to LGA by taking the N to queens and transferring to the M60 bus. I had no idea how long it would take but played it safe. When I arrived the representative from the airline, Kevin, told me my flight was cancelled and I explained that I had surgery scheduled and needed to get home. I got rushed to a flight to Atlanta that then sat on the runway for 4 hours. Luckily Kevin put me next to two of the most interesting people I have ever met and my mom's personal favorite: doctors.

They actually were on their way to a conference for cancer drugs in Atlanta and were co-workers. One a recent grad MD and the other a PhD in chemistry. They seemed to be good friends and we talked from 8:20 when I got on the plane until 2:20 am when it actually landed. When there was a lull in the conversation, around 1 am we played the age old card game Egyptian Rat Fuck--remember that one? How much fun. I also learned some new vocabulary words I intend to use constantly: sub-therapeutic, bifurcate, and dehydrogenate.

My connecting flight to Hometown left Atlanta at 8:30 am. So I wondered the ATL airport for a bit then curled up on the floor with one of the free airplane blankets. I have a sneaking suspicion that those are made entirely of dryer lint.

I arrived in hometown at 9:20 am and my surgery was scheduled for 10 am. We would have totally made it to, but I called the office on the way, my Dad and I feeling like really important, rushed people and they were running a bit behind so Dad and I got a bagel. It's so beautiful here I just wish there were less SUVs and chain stores.

When I got to the Doctor's office I was instantly comforted by his entire staff calling me honey and sweetheart. There's really nothing like a bunch of strangers calling you intimate names with no hesitation. I miss that sometimes.

Then I got laughing gas--that was a new one. I didn't giggle very much because I was concentrating on breathing deeply, then they put me under, and the next thing I remember was being told to "Wake up, honey" and my dad walking me to the car. They sent us over directly for a milkshake that I had maybe two spoonfuls of to take my medicine. Which my dad, always a gentleman, pointed out was all over my chin. Then we came home and Leonardo DiCaprio's Man in the Iron Mask was on cable and I promptly passed out.

Since then, so far so good. Not a lot of bleeding, I feel pretty with it, and I'm rocking this cute little Ice-Pack head wrap. My mom is out of town for the day teaching at a yoga seminar and my dad and I have no real plans but to hang out and check our email together. I'm really happy to be home.

Homeward

I fly to TN tonight. I decided to go home to get my wisdom teeth out. I could have braved the scary, expensive New York doctors, but thought the price difference in TN would cover the plane ticket and that I would do better recovering with cable and in a non-lofted bed. I can't tell you how relieved I am I'm getting out of town.

Today work was unbearable.

It was due partially to the fact that I started my antibiotics already and was reacting to them by being really unfocused. It was also a co-worker day. I like to know my role, and with this in-betweeny part-time thingy going on with her I don't know how to be. If I'm moving into her position (which I am) then I need to learn her position. The word learning implies that I don't have to be perfect or at her level every moment--because I'm not!

It's frustrating because it just feels so scattered. I'm still doing my thing, and now doing/learning the new thing, and when she comes in I don't know what I'm doing. Our boss is one of the most wonderful people in the world and I really wish I could be as chill as her.

So going home should be lovely, I get to spend a few days with people looking after me that have exactly my issues. I know they'll understand how hard my life is. so. hard.

hard.

har....