Cusp This!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

well, fuck

As you may be able to tell from my title post, the interview didn’t go the way I was hoping. At least the money talk didn’t. It would be a job that I think I could like a lot, but it’s certainly not starring in an independent film, or a junior marketing assistant or anything like that. I think it’s a good job, but I do not think that it’s a dream job. And if it’s not a dream job, it’s hard to justify a lateral move. So, both of us are going to ‘think about it’ and talk tomorrow. She may be able to scrounge up more money, but certainly not equal to the money from the inside job, or they money being offered by the outside jobs either. Of course the outside jobs are based on the fluffing of my resume. It’s all very frustrating. I don’t know what to do, or how to feel.

The thing is, money is not that important to me. I don’t need a Burberry string bikini, but it sure would be nice to have a little more than I do. A raise that could make it feel that it’s not a burden to call the exterminator, that I don’t have to call my father to help me if an surprise expense greater than $200 comes up, or even better not work seven days a week just to still feel those first two sentiments! No wonder so many people wait tables in NYC.

It’s hard not to be frustrated with this current situation. Well, I still have my legs.

E called last night and I didn’t answer. Partly because I had just listened to my roommate and best friend bash him for a full 20 minutes, and NOT at my prompting. JA was just dying to get some of that stuff out. He called while I was walking JA to the theater. The message was the infamous and insanity-inducing, ‘hi, yb, this is E call me when you have a chance.’ I KNOW it’s YOU the phone just TOLD me that!!! He’s like a grandmother with that shit. I have not called him yet.

Tonight I have my voice-over class. The last one before JH dumps me to navigate the waters alone. Alone, alone, all all alone. Alone on a wide wide sea. Well, whatever, everything will work out someday.

My friend DW just sent this to me:
Thornton Wilder:
"The test of an adventure is when you're in the middle of it and you say, "Oh, now I've got myself into an awful mess; I wish I was sitting quietly at home." And the sign that something's wrong with you is when you sit quietly at home and wish."


In an hour I will be having a meeting that will potentially mean I will have a new job. Please dear God, I hope this works out. It is with a different company, which I think will give me the honeymoon period that I so desperately want: new job, new responsibilities, and new industry even. Though my horoscope suggests that I read the fine print, I would really love for this to work out. There are certain risks, it is a start up company, and I will begin working part-time, though I’ve made it clear that it is necessary for my part-time pay to equal my current full-time pay. That equals out to a pay increase of $7.50 per hour. Or that’s what I worked out with my handy dandy calculator (and I’m guessing on shift length). I really hope it happens. The idea is that it will go to a full-time position eventually and then I will really feel the raise. So, that is the conversation I think that I will have today.

I will sing and dance if my job hunt finally ends. I mean really what’s the worst-case scenario? I get the job, suck, am fired and then I have to find a new job. At least the worst-case scenario is not that I could lose my legs. I mean, worst, worst case, I lose my job and can’t afford to stay here and move back in with my parents in Tennessee a failure and my mother wakes me everyday calling me a fat-ass and forcing me to go with her to Yoga classes 8 times a day. And even then, I’ll have my legs. Well, I will shortly let you know.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

I am super woman!

Well, I feel pretty darn good about myself today! I mean, I don’t feel particularly thin, but I do feel like my still-wishes-she-were-thinner self might be on the cusp of getting something done with my life. Yesterday I had a second interview for a position within my current company. It would be a pay raise, but I don’t know if the raise is really equal to the increased workload. So I was pretty honest about that in the interview and I can’t tell you know nice it felt to be honest in an interview! At any rate, it’s between me and one other person, and if I don’t get it, I did at least feel that they like me in my current position. Ah, praise.

After my little interview I did get to the gym, and fit in 30 minutes on the elliptical machine before I jetted down to volunteer night at PPNY! I got to stuff envelopes to members about who is endorsed by PPNY in the upcoming elections. It made me feel great. I know they always say that volunteering makes one feel good, but it turns out that ‘they’ were actually right!

Next, I hopped the train over to the Culture Project to see a play reading. I had invited JA, but she couldn’t make it. Luckily I had also invited TV on a whim the day before while lonely and scrolling through my phone book. It was a good thing I did because he brought with him CC, the enigma.

I met CC two weeks ago with TV and a few other friends. He went to college in my Hometown, Tennessee. And he was, in my opinion, really hitting on me. It was two days before I left to visit E in my ill-fated and break-up inducing rendezvous, and while it was very nice to be hit on, I was perhaps harder to get than I should have been considering the future. CC is an actor and about E’s age (younger than I) both of which I decided were mistakes not to be made again.
CC is, however, fascinating and good-looking. He seems to have similar sensibilities to me and I feel that we should definitely, at least, go to the movies. Seeing him last night, I did not get the same into-me vibe as in our initial interaction, but felt that we could at least be good friends. So, with a strong security in a friendship possibility, I think I sure would like to fuck it up with dinner and a movie. I am boy crazy. Crazy.

I think that I will attempt this great fuck up tomorrow, as I have been invited to karaoke good times that doubles as CC’s belated birthday party. How I will convince CC to ask me out is as yet undecided, but I’ll be drunk and singing ‘Let’s Hear it for the Boy.’ Talk about irresistible.

Monday, August 29, 2005

some extra

Just a quick public service announcement. You know those t-shirt-material flowing Capri pants that everyone and their mother bought from Urban Outfitters? They are not okay. They are, in fact, worse than those velour tracksuit pants that I thought were the cruelest move of the fashion industry against women ever. The question is what can we do to stop it? These women need to know what their asses look like, in motion. Educate the ladies. Thus, the asses-in-motion campaign is born. If you have a camera phone, please, look out for your sisters!

In other news, if I ever see this photo again, I will drop my yahoo account, seriously.


Today on the BBC News daily e-mail:

BBC UK: Iraq charter a 'recipe for chaos'
BBC Americas: Bush praises Iraq charter effort
this country is so fucked

In other news, phone conversation with E went well enough. He's particularly adept at maintaining that nothing is ever different or uncomfortable. Which makes me want to hit him with a hammer. We are slated to have a post-break-up dinner next weekend since he works every night but Wednesday and Wednesday I have my VO class. He said he wants to see me. He probably just wants to keep me, being that I am a terrific friend. Well, we'll see how it goes when it happens, and I will do my best to be expectation-free.

I am wearing my white summer pants for the last time this season. Fare thee well white summer pants. I must buy new pants soon, and hopefully will have a new job to afford those pants. I have another interview tomorrow that I don't want to go on.

Today appears to be the first day of classes at the King's College. A College located in my building that is dedicated to showing Fox News in front of the admissions office and generally pissing me off by holding lectures about Republicans & Civil Rights or some equally fucked up approximation of truth. As I was randomly flipping through blogs yesterday I came upon too many that had to do with 'worshiping God freely' and other 'moral values.' I can't help but wonder what these same people would have to say if it got passed that it's important to read sections of the Koran everyday to 6th graders before Social Studies. Not that the contradiction would effect them, they seem to be able to manage the whole against birth control and against abortion contradiction just fine.

So, in retaliation to feeling like a minority, I would like to direct you to this link about someone's brilliant spaghetti monster idea of the universe.

Sunday, August 28, 2005


Hmm, don't really know what is going on with the save to draft thing. I had only typed a few sentences, but they disappeared. (found them!)

At any rate, I'm hung-over, bashed, from a night out with my roommate and old ST friends SB and JT, where I got drunk and bashed E in a fabulous comic routine that lasted too long. I feel bad about it. I always feel badly when I call him an idiot and relate all the absolutely true yet unbelievably idiotic things he did while we were together. AND, he just called me. I never pick up while I'm at my weekend job because the reception is crap. So now I get to decide if he thought of that ahead of time in hopes to leave a message (likelihood: low) and what the message says (seemed not to take long).

Based on my knowledge of him, I'm going to say he called without any amount of anxiety to leave one of his fucking 'hey, this is E (I know it's you E, right before you begin speaking the lovely Sprint lady says 'message received from' your annoying voice 'E') call me.' Imaging this fucking VM pisses me off!!! And yet it was like a hand closed around my heart when I saw it was him calling. Yet, since our break-up I realize how much, in spite of all the things that made me crazy, I love him. I love him in a friend way, in a I could never be with you way, in a I wish you were better way, and probably in one of the most unconditional ways ever.

I'm a softy. I am so loyal it's ridiculous, once you're in my heart, you are in. I may not always be the most fun person in the world, or the nicest, or the easiest to get to know, but I can say that I have a huge heart. With that, armed with that thing I like about myself, I'm listening to the voice mail...

Behind door number 1:

Hello, it's ME (great work) give me a call back whenever you have a second, I know you're at work. I hope you're doing well and I can't wait to hear from you. Bye.

sigh, I have to call him.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

A Full Day

It's not that my day is full of exciting things to do, unfortunately. It is the first full day that E is back in NYC. He was gone all summer doing a play in CA. We broke up about 2 weeks ago, the day I returned from visiting him in CA for a long weekend.

My current ex is now with-in a 13-mile (or less) radius, and will be, forever. How do you people do this? I assume I will be a mild mess for a few days and then everything will be fine. My plan was to make an effort to look fabulous at all times in case we run into each other, but I'm not sure if I can muster that kind of effort.

E was, after all, my rebound (and I was his) we just had more tenacity than most rebounds and lasted approximately 9 months. I loved him (anti-rebound) and we were very wrong for each other (true-rebound). He is also very handsome and fabulous in bed and I will miss that very much (anti), but he is also one of the dumbest, emotionally-stunted, and unaware people I know, and that I'm relieved not to have to be around (true).

In more exciting news, my various job hunts seem to be heading somewhere finally. Maybe this will eventually lead me to know what I'm doing with my life! It could happen...

Friday, August 26, 2005

Again, again!

More blogging, More I say! Alright, I will tell you about the event of the day. Today I had a thoroughly annoying chat with T (and it will follow) including commentary and evidence.

Exhibit A: (pic from his blog)

That is my T, with his arm around a girl he refers to as 'blade-runner-girl.' I watched Blade Runner once at his request, but I don't really know what he's talking about. At any rate, the point is that hand is awfully familiar. So, I thought I'd just ask.

Exhibit B: (IM conversation*)

yb says:
Guten Tag (T has been at German language school for a month and will be working in Germany for several more months)
T. says:
Hey baby. I went to the new apartment this morning and I don't like it at all. AND I am also upset because the other school can't take me because of my level. Have not had a great day. How is yours?
yb says:
oh baby, I'm sorry, that sucks. Maybe Johanna's school can hook you up with a tutor...
T says:
I don't think a one-to-one german lesson is the way I should go. I prefer the classroom - believe it or not
yb says:
my day has only just begun, DW left this morning, and I had drama since she has no money in her account (waiting for a check to clear) and her parking lot was cash only so I bailed her out and she wrote me a check, pretty silly, but I like DW very much and we had a great time together.
she really wants you and I to work out
T says:
I had a very interesting discussion with Frenchy-M yesterday (via chat)
yb says:
So, who's the blade runner girl that you so intimately have your hand on her waist in your Tuesday pictures? (okay, I brought it up)
I don't care for Frenchy-M very much, but you know that. What did she have to say?
T says:
I am NOT intimately touching her! (denial)
yb says:
there is someone's hand around her waist in a very familiar way, as in pinky within brush-able distance of right breast
T - says:
Well, I am sure it is my hand, but good lord! I think I should stop putting pictures on my journal (so what does that mean?)
yb says:
I'm not angry, I'm just asking. Should I have kept it to myself?
T - says:
I suppose I would have reacted to pictures of you doing stuff over the last 6 years too. Nope - just a little sensitive about stuff at this moment.
yb says:
why sensitive? (I take the bait)
T - says:
A number of reasons. Frenchy-M talking about seeing you in DC at AC's party is some of it. (and he turns it all around)
yb says:
what party?
T - says:
And I am just somewhat annoyed about stuff today anyway. 30th bday I think (that was a year ago, and right after my horrible, heart-breaking break up with T. To clarify, he dumped my ass to screw someone else)
yb says:
I will kick that bitch’s ass. She has no room to talk. She CHEATED on EV. That was in NY, and I behaved in no way inappropriately at ALL
T - says:
Didn't say you did (umm, didn’t you?)
yb says:
Jesus. What'd she say?
T - says:
Nothing really, it was just clearly different viewpoints
yb says:
that makes me angry beyond measure
T - says:
And I don't even know when any of this happened (timeline)
yb says:
when we were broken up
what a whore
how did this come up may I ask?
T - says:
yb says:
Well it certainly sounds like she did. Can you tell me about this conversation?
T - says:
I hardly remember - we chatted about quite a lot of things - it was nothing. I just get angry when it sounds like I am being blamed for absolutely everything bad that happened on the planet earth. (now I have to know what she said) Nothing big at all. I think I am just a little sensitive about stuff, sorry.
yb says:
you are not being blamed for ANYTHING. What did bitch-face say?
sorry baby, I'm not mad at you. It makes me angry that Frenchy-M feels that she can talk about me as if she knows me when she doesn't. It makes me mad that she would complicate a situation that she has no reason to stick her french nose into.
T - says:
She hardly said a thing
yb says:
AND I can' t imagine anything happening at that party that she could draw any conclusion from. Hardly.. sure. You wouldn't be making a deal about it if she didn't
T - says:
Whoa, my hand is close to her boobie

* edited for time and content
** other side notes include that T and I are not boyfriend-girlfriend. We love each other very much, but have decided getting 'back together' when not in the same country doesn't count. So how much say either of us have about what anyone did or did not do is pretty up for grabs.

So, that’s what happened to me today.

Yellow Belly

Well, after becoming a blog-fan, I've decided that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery after all. I have another web-journal, almost a year old, that I've been using for myself and myself alone. But after gaining so much knowledge and feeling so much empathy for anonymous internet-savvy strangers, I think I'll throw some of this out into the universe. Who knows what may come back...

There is a lot to catch up on, but that's boring so I'll give you the very basics and we'll go from there:


T: My ex-boyfriend who(m) I still believe is the love of my life. We are from the same home town and dated in high-school, through college, through my first job, and through my first six months in NYC (all long-distance). We talk in a 'someday' way often

E: My current ex who I dated for about 9 months to get over T. They are very different, in that I never though E could be the love of my life, except when I was very drunk, and decided I should consider law school because if we were to be together I would have to support him.

Others I will describe as they arrive.