Cusp This!

Saturday, March 31, 2007

coming clean

So I wrote about something horrible that happened in a very cryptic way back in December. What happened was that I had sex with my boss's fiance. He had always flirted with me, though we rarely saw each other. Then one night after I had gone out drinking with the two of them and a friend of mine, he called me and said he had to see me. I told him to forget about it. He told me he was in a cab heading to my neighborhood. I told him to forget about it. He told me he was a block away. I told him to go to a bar and forget about it. Then I told him he could come up and he did. I set about to have a conversation with him where I explained how the shit had to stop. That he was marrying one of the best women in the world and that there was no reason in the world that he should be interested in me.

My reasoning however didn't work.

At some point in my argument, I gave up. I thought to myself: you need proof that this will be the biggest mistake of our lives? Well here you go. It lasted less than 5 minutes. I said no, but I did let it happen and the thought was in my head, I'll prove it to you.

He and I never spoke about it. We have never been alone together since.

On Friday, I told my boss.

It was just something I couldn't live with anymore. She had the right to know. It had to be her choice to keep me as an employee and/or keep him as her fiance. I realized how fucked-up it was to not allow her to make that decision.

For the moment, I still have my job.

I cannot believe that I did that--any of that, but I did.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

karate in action

At midnight tonight walking up 8th avenue looking at the ground listening to my iPod thinking about myself (which is what I usually think about anyway) a guy about my age shaved head with a hat on stumbled into my path and lightly grabbed my forearm. He wobbled back to a semi-upright stance as I looked up, stepped back and twisted my arm out of his grasp with a twist that made it seem like as if he had almost never touched me. I turned my arm so that when bending my elbow up (imagine doing a bicep curl) my forearm pulled at where his fingers were grasped. While in motion I said clearly, calmly and with an authority that sounded odd in my head, "don't touch me." He looked at me, now with a distance between us and my arm closest to him held in a fighting position, and seemed to try to focus. I said, "what do you need?" Because in the nanosecond that I had taken to get in complete control of the situation, I saw that he was just a drunk guy, and wondered if he was okay or needed help.

He looked at me for a moment and said, "You gonna leave?"

I said "Yeah," and turned and continued up the street towards home.

After a few seconds, the adrenaline hit, and I thought "what the fuck was that?" and I also realized: I'm a motherfucking ninja.

** for the record I was in heels and a skirt at the time, so I'm a hot, feminist ninja

Thursday, March 22, 2007

As JT would say

So, I was given the new Justin Timberlake CD--he's from Tennessee!

In it there is a song with these sage lyrics:

"What goes around comes around (comes around, comes around, comes back around)"

This is also the song who's video features Scarlett Johanson and was at the source (rumor has it) of Justin's break-up with Cameron Diaz.

At any rate, my boss today had her break-down.

We had a talk yesterday about how to fix things, and she took on a little of the amount I have been doing, and by doing so realized that the company isn't as sunshiny as she had thought. She also I hope realized that I'm not crazy, that I have been putting up with the errors for months.

She's taking tomorrow off. I'm taking Monday off and then next week we're going to have to let one of our co-workers go.

And that is that.

Monday, March 19, 2007

sex and the single girl

So I had my second date with the guy that I had sex with on the first date. We went to a play which turned out to be a terrible production--and to top it all off he wasn't feeling well. He had eaten something bad and was only partially recovered. He soldiered through the play and then had to call it a day. He did give me a sweet little good-bye kiss. I have not heard from him yet.

I feel like I have a pretty healthy attitude about sex. It's only when these little face-offs come up that I wonder if I'm an idiot and I should have waited til the third date. I like to think that sex should be spontaneous and rule free. I also think that if I never hear from this guy again the upside is that I got laid. I also think if he's got something holding him back from coming back for more great sex then I'm better off without him--and I'd rather know that sooner than later.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


I totally had a melt-down at work. I was sent home. It was shocking. I cried. I said I was just tired.

I spent my half day off eating Pad Thai, getting a pedicure, going for a run and watching South Park episodes that were saved on my DVR.

I just wanted to come clean on that if any of you were under the impression that I have my shit together.

Break-down Baby.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

News and Events

The boy called me and we are going on a second date on Saturday.

I saw my friend L for the first time in forever, she had been traveling in Columbia for 6 months or so where she got breast implants! So I saw her last night and and felt her new boobs. Now I don't go around feeling boobs a lot so I'm not sure how they compare to the vast majority of boobs, but compared to mine, i think they feel fake. They look really great though.

Work is intense.

That's all for now.

Sunday, March 11, 2007


"The cult of martyrdom is sold to girls like cigarettes, and sometimes from the most unlikely sources" -Manifesta

It is a beautiful day. I went for a run for the first time in too long and forget how great I feel when I feel strong. I remember that I don't want to run to look slight and willowy on high heels. I run so that I can feel powerful regardless of if anyone is watching.

I run because I can.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Rules are made to be Broken... ?

I went on a first date last night. It ended this morning.

Completely not my intention, but I had a good time and I'm 87% sure I don't regret it.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007


I've been at work for over 11 hours.

Just wanted to let you know.

I'm a total catch.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Me under a bushel

So, a few friend's as of late have been asking about my acting. Even a person that I had met 1 minute earlier asked me yesterday if I was an actress.

It's strange, I don't miss it. There was some famous actor once quoted as saying, "if you can do anything else and still be happy do it" because the life will use you up fast. I feel more like a recovering actress than anything else. I am a woman who's finally starting to understand self worth without the laughs of folks sitting in the dark. I am becoming someone who doesn't let a casting intern determine if I'm sexy, or young or 'believable'.

I am happy with out it.

And yet it feels like no one believes me... Now non casting interns are questioning my believability. And there's still enough of the 'unrecovered' left in me to wonder if these friends, or old-friends, or acquaintances know me better than I know myself.

Am I hiding? Have they found me out?

Saturday, March 03, 2007

seriously though

My Dad rules.

I love that he's here on this special father/daughter trip. I love that we can talk about politics, and his childhood and everything. It's unreal.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

my dad

He arrived today.

I think he's perfect.

We went to a restaurant, I got a salad, he got a burger then we went to a random school friend's hip-hop concert, because my dad thought it would be interesting.

Seriously though, my dad rocks.