sweet mercy

It's been over a week since I posted!

Also, there's a comment from my last post that just moved me so much. I'm so glad you came to visit, K.

Quick updates: I've been reading about Feminisim and I am on fire. I do not feel meaningless when I've got ManifestA on my bookshelf.

E wrote me an email for help finding a day job while he's in Shakespeare in the Park (Mother Courage directed by George C., including Meryl Streep, Kevin Kline, and E). So I wrote him a note back saying congratulations and how I will help any way I can.

I paid the rent this month. St. Matthew moved out last weekend and it's another 14 days before my new roommate moves in.

So, today has been an amazing day. It's also T's birthday. He turns 39.

deep n' dark

I slept this weekend. I did a few activities, but for the most part the past 48 hours were spent unconcious and dreaming my ass off. Two particularly memorable dreams were where I took an acting job, and realized I had forgotten how to act--trying to decide if I should just quit my dream play or if I should ask for the time off at work to do the play. The other was about T--he was dating some French chick and I went to the French mansion to have this heart to heart and they were on their way to the hot-tub. I freaked out on him and he was unphased. This is what my subconcious wrestles with--that I'm unimportant, without purpose and unloved. It seems that these opinions and fears have run my life. I gave up acting to have a job where if not loved I am at least needed... As for my purposelessness... I don't know. I remember an incident as a child where I decided I was probably wrong and to keep my mouth shut--but if I have been keeping my mouth shut since I was six, how does one find a purpose that's been unexpressed or unexplored for 20 years?

I realize that this might not be interesting--but it's where I am. An unavoidable place, probably.

At a theater piece for young people--something about a princess that was going on in a theater in Texas, the princess asked the audience in a tizzy if her ring looked okay (she was nervous about meeting the prince). I stuck out my tongue in response. She rushed off stage to "take off'" the ring and my mother gave me quite the dissapproving look. When the princess returned to ask the audience "better?" looking directly at me, I didn't do a thing. What a silly reason to not be in a job I love making a difference.

T to Seattle

Not sure of dates yet, but T got the job. Now we just have to see how long it takes to get him the desire to commit and procreate.

Of course, there are plenty of people who don't ever feel the desire to commit and are reminded of the desire to procreate every morning...

That and my granny said she really didn't want me to marry T. It has taken some wind out of the sails of my unrequited long-distance love novel I make up daily when my granny was just 'not that into him'.

chips

I finally watched Syriana today. Then I tried to begin to understand what is going on with Hezbollah and Israel. Promptly giving up, I read a pretty devastating article about a 90-year-old woman being reconnected with a diary she wrote from age 14-19. The last line is, "If I had been true to myself, would I have ended up in Westchester?" Fuck.

I see this all as totally connected.

reverse

So I have one of those really annoying sores in my mouth where my wisdom teeth used to be. I thought it was a bone spur, but it is a canker sore. I bought L-lysine at whole foods which is supposed to help healing canker sores (and also herpes)

At any rate these gigantic horse pills are white powder in a gel casing. I swallowed 2 down with water. About 5 minutes later I burped a burp that isn't really big enough to open your mouth--especially when you are a dainty girl. White powder puffed out my nose. It was very surprising. Then it burned. At least my sinuses are protected from Herpes outbreak...

Flying Pigs

I went to E's restaurant tonight to see my friend JH(m), who was working, and his boyfriend. E was there. I was warned this ahead of time. I said 'I don't care that much' and it was true. Of course I did panic a bit on the walk over but then I saw E and he gave me a hug. I hugged him back and it didn't feel like anything... But when JH(m) came over to me later and gave me a hug I felt a lot. Becuase I knew that JH(m) actually loved me and cared about me and was giving me a hug to be there for me. I was there for about an hour and a half at one point E came over and chatted for maybe 3 minutes. At no point in the evening did I die.

Walking home I was overcome by letting go. I had made up so much, had so much and it was gone gone gone, for a second I thought I had nothing--then I realized that in fact I was finally able to have anything. Poor E, I never really knew him, and it turns out, I never really wanted to...

vacation

I went to see my Granny for the 4th of July. She lives on the Ocean in North Carolina, I borrowed a friend's car and then spent 202.03 on gas and tolls and coffee to get there. My mother, father, aunt and uncle were there. Granny made two pies. There was a lot of Scrabble, one beach day, and plenty of food. I had a great time. I've cleaned up a lot of the crap between my parents and me, and I felt so comfortable with my mother. It was great.

I found a roommate to replace St. Matthew who leaves at the end of the month. I also met someone adorable at a bar on Friday night who I gave my number to but haven't heard from yet... Then I went on another date with the doctor on Saturday who I'm completely not attracted to. I guess the correct phrase is to whom I am completely unattracted. I need to call that off.

T is in Seattle this week and has 4 interviews. He should have arrived by now, and I haven't heard from him either.