Cusp This!

Friday, September 30, 2005


I took yesterday off work to paint my room. It looks fantastic.

Now I'm surfing the internet from a Tasti D-lite. I should not work more often.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005


So, last night, I attended a birthday party with CC. After a couple margaritas I broached the subject of my not-needing-to-be-in-a-relationship-right-now. I handled it well I thought. I explained that I’m very fresh from a bad relationship, that I liked him very much, but was not in a place to date anyone. I said all these things by saying, “I’m not available for sex.” Then explained how I liked him, was out of something complicated, and crazy, and wouldn’t treat him right all those things. That would have to be a deal-breaker, right? No.

After all that, it didn’t stick. He told me that the sex thing for him was a non-issue. If you can’t gather what that means from the title of the post, click here. Now I have absolutely no idea what to do. This boy is 23 and has lived in New York City for a year. He’s attractive, straight, and tall. What’s going on here? Who are these boys??? E had as many sex hang-ups as I had sex-fetishes and now the Enigma is the most enigmatic of all.

For a brief moment I felt wrong, like perhaps I shouldn’t have been having sex for the last decade with my very low number of partners. Then I realized someone tall, straight and male might have something wrong with him. And while he batted away my unwillingness to have sex with him as a non-issue, I thought: it is a huge issue. I like sex, and not being interested in having it with a dating partner is a deal-breaker for me. It was famously a deal-breaker in the case of E. Of course I didn’t say that at the time, because I’m crazy. So, now I have a little longer to ride this out.

On top of all this, I certainly cannot be his first. I can’t. I’ve done the pity-fuck thing before and I’m not going back; I’m too old for that kind of volunteer work. If I’m going be having sex, it will be for my pleasure. Period. And as the monumental absence of butterflies proves, I have no real feelings for CC other than friendly admiration. I will not do that him either.

Now all that said for the internet to see, how do I tell him all this again?

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Lovely and Amazing

Sometimes, when I'm having a bad day, I remember that this boy thought I was hot. It makes me feel better.

Raindrops on roses my ass.

Monday, September 26, 2005


Blogger is currently refusing to post a picture. It was going to be a great entry, but rather than spoil the whole thing, you must merely wait. I'm waiting too so don't feel lonely. To while away the time, I could tell you what I did last night after leaving my weekend job/TV set.

I went to see Proof with E. I did this because he asked, and I was thinking about seeing it last week. It is only playing at a few theaters which is why I didn't see it by myself, but with E in tow, a trip to the Angelika felt less out of the way. It seems I had forgotten how time slows when I'm with E thereby making the trip more instead of less tedious. We got rice pudding at Rice to Riches. He said a myriad of stupid, hurtful things that he didn't intend to be stupid and hurtful. All his kindnesses are wrapped in barbs.

It's funny, E always talked about how much I remind him of his mother (not the most flattering thing to hear from the man your fucking). In this behavior, the callous kind, he reminds me of mine. There was a time in college when during every visit home, my mother reduced me to tears, and afterwards became the most charming person. It was as if it was necessary for her to break me down each time to know she still had power, and the retention of that power put her at ease.

E said he didn't want to lose me, and I assured him he wouldn't, that I have loved him and care for him and that we will be better than we ever were constantly struggling to make something impossible work. Then I thought, 'lose me? After pushing me out of your life, you need to check in that I'm not lost to you? There isn't anything you've lost that you didn't have and turn your nose up at you snobby brat'. Eventually in college, I quit going home.

Sunday, September 25, 2005


Reality TV has happened to me. I can’t exactly reveal the details, but a reality TV show is shooting at my weekend job right now. There are many pretty people competing to be seen as smart or ambitious. I think they are just pretty, but then again, I don’t know them. It seems they are doing interviews the ‘host’ of the show is not making an appearance to issue a challenge. It’s strange and exciting and silly. One of the pretty people is wearing a leather suit jacket. They all cross their legs just so. I am reminded how much I like myself. I may not be as thin or made-up as these women, or the men for that matter, but I like myself in comparison to them somehow. Like in at least so much as this, I am above the rat race.

Saturday, September 24, 2005


I don’t know if you’ve ever been through this, but I hate when being entirely useless bites me in the ass. Today is a busy day at my weekend job. There are some very rich people looking to buy some very expensive things. There are also some very rich people considering investing in these important things. They are all hovering around. I am writing this. It is an awkward attempt to look as if I have a job that just might matter a wee little bit. I have no idea why I’m here except to answer the phone and make a scrunched up concerned face when my boss is not available. “She’ll be right back,” or “She knows, she is on her way,” or “Well, She’ll be able to answer that much better than I, let’s just give her another minute.”

It’s silly. I guess it shouldn’t bother me except that someday I’d like to matter in someway, somehow, somewhere. If my big old fancy weekend company doesn’t care that I don’t to anything other than the scrunchy face and give good phone voice, why should I? It’s funny, I often complain about people taking silly corporate things too seriously and yet, here I am complaining that I’m not given the opportunity to take this seriously enough. Or something. Look at me and my contradictions. Here I am! I’m over here talking out both sides of my mouth!

I’m hungry too.

That was so worth a second posting, are you kidding? A little bit of yb history, a little bit of yb psychology, now if only someone can tell me how my mother calling me fat has lead me to want to please people even in a corporate environment that I abhor.

Joy of Motion

I stole this because I love wiener dogs. But before you judge me, go to this blog because it's hilarious and bush-bashing, and the origianal source of the weiner dog picture. Really, how was I supposed to get a wiener dog action shot by myself?

Last night, I had dinner with some family friends . They are involved in some club with my parents down in hometown, Tennessee. They come to New York occasionally. The last time we ate, I had a salad and they remarked how thin I look and how crazy my mother is, since before they left TN she told them that my acting wasn't going anywhere since I was too fat.

Shocking she said it, shocking they repeated it, all in all: shocking. Luckily, I wrote my mother off as a crazy bitch in high school, so I can laugh when she says cruel things. My favorite my-mom's-a-crazy-bitch story is when I had just come back to NY after an out of town acting job and was in the first month of the T break up. I called my parents upset, because I had no one to call, and in my depression thought, 'that's what parents are for.' My mother and I talked for maybe 5 minutes before I realized it wasn't helping and left to go to the gym. I didn't take my cell phone to the gym. When I returned, I had a voice mail from my mother suggesting that I join over-eaters anonymous. I was already ten pounds lighter from the day T broke up with me. There was also a time where she put our cat to sleep because she didn't think that it was happy anymore. And I still ate with her friends last night. What a good person I am.

Friday, September 23, 2005

What more can I say?

I HATE my job. I hate it, hate it, hate it, and only have 12 working days left. I don't know if I can make it.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Roommate Wins!

Yesterday was my last voice over class at the Actor’s Connection. It was fun, and nice to meet all the students, but the actual information was limited. Limited things that I didn’t know before though: microphone placement, slate, blah blah blah. We’ll see if anything at all comes of it. After class and bidding a farewell to Courtney, Mark, Tamara et al, JH and I met his boyfriend MC at E’s restaurant. JH and E work together; JH was there first, so I’m allowed to go there. E stopped by as well.

E had called me before class to invite me to see a play with him: $10 student rush tickets to a Soldier’s Play at Second Stage. Of course I couldn’t go, but suggested he call later if he wanted to meet up with JH, MC and me. I really don’t know how I feel about this whole ‘friends’ thing.

At the restaurant where everyone knows our business, we went ahead and got drinks, and I regaled the entire staff with my police escort story. In my mind, everyone found me adorable and charming and E crazy for letting something so amazing go. Yes, I do have an active imagination, and, yes, I do feel confident in the adorable and charming assessment.

E was moody due in part to his old roommate MD’s upcoming wedding. Now MD might not be making a very good choice with his fiancé, granted, but when you love someone you let them make mistakes, you let them live their life. Nonetheless, E is having quite a hard time with it. So, we talked about that a bit with MC pulling me back into fun and silly conversations on my left. It was your basic angel/devil shoulder situation.

At one point I was feeling the effects of my Jack and Diet Coke, and playfully pushed MC, whereupon he and I joked about my tendency toward antagonistic behavior towards those I love.
‘Your love hurts’ E joined in.
‘No, I’m just a little antagonistic. I think it’s fun’ I said.
‘It hurts,’ he insisted, ‘Have you ever been a recipient of your love?’
And oh for a time machine to say, ‘Have you?’ Of course he has, but wouldn’t it have been a great comeback?

E left shortly after when I was quite tipsy and thinking that he might walk me home or at least to the A so I could see him one on one. But I walked home alone bemoaning my ‘paradoxes’ of wanting E without wanting E, of finding him less attractive and still being attracted, etc. etc. Luckily St. Matthew was up. Thank God for the Saint that is my roommate. I realized how infinitely happier I was having St. Matthew to talk to than wandering around with stupid E just to listen to him talk and regret it later. Besides, St. Matthew, Ben & Jerry’s coffee heath bar crunch, and re-runs of Will and Grace are all any girl could ever ask for.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Cracker Jacks

Last night, I was at the Yankee's game with my friend DW, as my sweet wonderful friend RA had extra tickets. We had the most amazing time. I know next to nothing about baseball, but DW and RA would tell me names of players and then I would scream them:

Me: who's 13?
Them: A. Rod

Though I think our arrival was the best part. RA told us the wrong subway so we took the C to 161 (Washington Heights) when we should have taken the D to 161 (Bronx-Yankee Stadium). I thought it sounded wrong, and it was my first trip to the Heights since E and I ended. So DW (an adorable blonde who went to high school with me) and I wander upstairs looking quite lost. We stand on the corner and I call RA to let him know we'll be late and are looking for a cab. There is a cop car at the corner with two officers, a female officer in the passenger seat who looks about our age and her hot partner in the driver seat. Darcey goes over to confirm that we are indeed, totally misplaced.

DW: umm, my friend and I are lost
Female Officer: (chuckles) yeah you are
DW: oh, well, yeah, we're looking for Yankee Stadium
Female Officer: Oh, you want 161 in the Bronx,
(Male officer leans over to speak to partner)
Female Officer: wait, hold on

And then, DW and I get a police escort to Yankee Stadium! When we got stuck in traffic, they turned on their lights and drove on the wrong side of the road around it. It was awesome; thank God DW is so hot. Then the Yankees won:

Me: Make it Happen, Jeter! Make it HAAAAAAAPEN!!!!!
(Jeter makes it happen)

So we get on the train to head home and DW's ex-boyfriend has texted me an invitation to "Cum to my room get the pasS" because he's in NY on business, staying at the Sheraton and the last time he was in town I let him borrow a tour pass that he kept instead of returning. DW and I took great offense. I texted back that "I'm not 'cum'ing anywhere." I would have preferred being propositioned by Officer Hot.

That was my day.

me: Don't be jealous

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Don't Date Me

CC has sustained an injury. I asked him help out with couch moving, and while carrying my old couch down 4 flights of stairs, he ripped his toenail back. It’s still on, but no thanks to my efforts. Efforts including: chewable aspirin, ambasol (applied to the skin surrounding the nail for numbing effect), ace bandages, a movie ticket, picking up the tab for dinner and lots of making out. It would have been less expensive to hire movers.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Virgos Everywhere!

Last night I went to TV's 25th Birthday Party. I love TV and his friends are incredible; I'm so happy to have found him again! His friend AW in particular is amazing. I gave TV a copy of Catch-22 that E had loaned me forever ago that became an accidental present. E didn't want it back when I offered. (For the record I would not want any of my 3 T-shirts back that became his accidental presents, more valuable than a read book).

Soon, my posts will not be male dominated. That will be about the time that I take up cooking or knitting. Unless I am cooking and knitting for men....

Sunday, September 18, 2005


Last night I had a date. I meet the Enigma in Union Square and we went to a great and inexpensive Japanese place. I looked adorable in a skirt that JA loaned me when we saw each other two weeks ago. Then we went to see Miracle Brothers at the Vineyard Theater. It is a new musical about River Dolphins who transform into humans to understand their foibles. Yeah, that's what I said. CC works at the box office and gave a thorough explanation of what we were in for. He also held my hand throughout which (coupled with the wine from dinner) made it quite bearable.

After the theater we didn't really know what to do. If, gentlemen, you are reading this blog and have ever not wanted a date to end, the number one date extender (in this lady's opinion) is coffee and dessert. We went to a bar, and it was a dive bar and it was loud and we didn't know anyone. We finally decided to ditch the bar for a bottle of wine at an apartment, but it was too late to buy a bottle of wine. We ended up at my apartment which was stuffy and messy. We watched some SNL and cuddled, but it was not great. It was not bad, but it was early and awkward and not great. I don't know what I'm doing with this boy, and he doesn't know what to do with me. I did eventually have to tell him to leave after I feel asleep on the couch and all. I also had an early day today and he did even more so with his brother and brother's fiance coming into town.

This morning I went to IKEA with RA to get a new couch and bed, but decided against the bed as it was so expensive, but I'm sure I'll go back and get it eventually. We were also running unbearably late. I got to work an hour after I was supposed to. I hate that. Being late makes me sick. The new couch is waiting unassembled at the apartment and the old couch is still in place. MP and I are going to try to get it out tomorrow night, though we really need a third person.

E called today since I'm getting VIP treatment for friends of his friend SP at my company later this week. We 'caught up' or whatever. I only said one hateful thing, and it was wrapped in a joke. Why is it that my way of being charming/intimate is so antagonistic? Why do I find that so much fun? My whole communication style is that way it seems. Told you, I'm a relationship nightmare.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Smoggy Saturday

My weekend job has moved to a new office within the building. I’m on the 86th floor where I used to be on the 59th. My desk now faces the North view: the park and the GW bridge (which always makes me think of E) if it’s not too hazy. It’s quite hazy today and everything above 140th is in a polluted mist. I actually sent E an email about it.

Last night, I went to see Spirit at NYTW, and it is amazing. It got a rave in the Times, so I think seats will go quickly. Run don’t walk and get your tickets now. Now, go ahead, click the link, you can come back here later. It's a limited engagement people!

Friday, September 16, 2005

I'm a relationship nightmare

Yesterday I had tickets to the 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee that E was nice enough to get me when they were passing out free tickets at his work. I decided to invite the Enigma. This came up over the 15-hour E-YB friendship litmus test sponsored by Democracy. Yes I know that’s a long and complicated way to explain the day, but I think it’s funny, so there.

I had emailed TV before the excursion: ‘CC just wants to be friends, right?’ What came back was that CC couldn’t tell if I was interested in him. To him, I was the Enigma. Oh what a mixed up world! Apparently, TV and CC talked before the date because my Enigma went to Casanova with the speed and handling of a BMW Six Series. And I do mean handling. There was plenty of handling. Suffice it to say, I got my kiss, and signs point to this boy might want to date me.

But, the point is that I’m a relationship nightmare.

I am a relationship nightmare because I had to stop by E’s restaurant to pick up some money from him from the other day. I did this right before meeting CC at the play. When E gave me a hard time about it being a ‘date’ (which I denied for several reasons, 1. I was still unsure if CC was into me, and 2. E has no boundaries; if I told him it was a date he would think he had some God-given right to be able to say anything about it to me), I got uppity. I also got emotionally weird and fucked up. So fucked up, in fact, that I had temporary memory loss and thought I wanted to date E again. So, I went to the play.

I meet CC and the show is great, we ended up running into friends of his after and got food and drinks and did some bar hopping which included dancing (read: handling). CC brought so much game he even flirtingly hinted at not going home alone; this is the same boy who I thought would never kiss me.

This morning when I arrived at work I bought my birthday present a ticket to fly to London for a long weekend for a rendezvous with T. T who I will always love, but things might never work out with. So in 24 hours, I have been an Ebenezer Scrooge of dating, surrounded by events of my dating past, present and future.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Universal Stuff

Last night, my friend DW called around midnight. She has been dating a boy BK who is an idiot. The affair actually strengthened our friendship immeasurably. We were both in long, drawn out, self-complicated relationships with idiots and had a lot to talk about over the past few months. Mostly we would encourage each other to break up with our respective idiots. DW’s idiot was a little more persistent than mine. She has been in break-up/this-isn’t-working talks with BK for months. When she was laid off from her job in Atlanta, she took the opportunity to get the hell out of Dodge and away from BK. Then, last night, he took the opportunity to be the one to instigate the break-up/this-isn’t working-talk.

She called me very upset; she felt betrayed and double-crossed by him telling her what she had said all along. She broke up with him, but it felt like he was breaking up with her, and she hates him for it. She’s also mad at herself for giving him to power to make her feel that way. I reminded, her, ‘DW, you moved. You not only broke up with him, you left him.’ But rejection sucks no matter who pulls the trigger. If we all had our way, we would have an endless string of exes crawling along behind us twisting in the throws of unrequited love. Well, at least that’s what DW and I and half my girlfriends would want. The image of it gives me content already.

DW asked me for advice on writing a ‘fuck you’ letter to Brad, and while I spent some time explaining to her that often silence was the best weapon, I couldn’t resist the bait. I like to consider myself a connoisseur of the fuck you letter. These were my tips:

Keep it short
This gives target less to respond to, and less to misinterpret
Cite examples (aka evidence)
This will put the target in a ‘memory place’ making them more emotional/vulnerable.
Adopt target’s tone
This technique is your best shot of inciting shame or regret. Since these are emotions that require self-awareness, the more you sound like a voice in his head the more self-awareness can be created <-- this is an advanced technique and should be used subtly and sparingly.

Go forth. Go forth and write!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Approximately 22

I have accepted a new job. I am thrilled. That leaves 22 working days left in current hell-hole. I plan to take 3 vacation days. I will have 3 remaining sick days and Columbus Day a holiday. If I don't touch my sick days (the decent thing to do) that is 18 days. I wonder how decent I feel.

15 hours

I was politically active for about 15 hours yesterday. E’s friend, BO was the volunteer coordinator for one of the primary campaigns, and had sent out an email asking for volunteer help weeks ago. E forwarded it to me two days after we broke up. We both ended up volunteering and being assigned to a polling place on Amsterdam and 102nd. We meet a lot of really interesting people also electioneering and survived each other’s company very well. I was again reminded that I don’t want to be in a relationship with E, but I sure would like to (theoretically) fuck his brains out. I then had nightmares about him all night. I assume that was just the natural result of 15 hour E detox.

Nothing particularly stupid was said, shockingly. During our lunch break we saw a movie, El Crimen Perfecto, which was very good. All in all it was a good time.

As for the campaigning, we were threatened repeatedly by a homeless man who warned us about our candidate’s ‘dark side.’ We also saw a man with a stomach goiter larger than almost any pregnant woman I’ve seen. He was lying on the concrete looking like he might give birth and moaning. Another homeless man came up and poked him in his bloated terrifying stomach with a cane, laughing, ‘I’ll stomp your mother-fucking stomach mother-fucker.’ We all watched on in horror. I finally went into the polling place to get an NYPD officer.

By the time the cop went to talk to him, the poking man was gone. I thanked the cop saying, ‘we just didn’t know if we should call an ambulance or what to do.’ ‘He’s inebriated’ the officer shrugged. The goiter-ed man was taken outside of the electioneering area and in about 45 minutes, was taken away on a stretcher by an ambulance. It was perhaps an hour after that that he walked back in on his own.

On the other side of things, there was a dad practicing baseball with his two little boys, my guesses on their age were 9 and 8, and they were really good and adorable. It’s amazing the things you see when you stand on a block in New York for approximately 15 hours with your ex-boyfriend.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Careful what you Wish for (Part II)

Some of you may recall that I’m scheduled to volunteer the day away for a certain democrat tomorrow. While volunteering and democrats are two of my favorite things, let me explain how this can be a ‘careful what you wish for’ scenario. I’m signed up to spend from 6 am to 9 pm handing out literature at a polling place with E. Just me and E and whichever voters care to show up. Yes, it sounds like a Sartre play to me too.

I had a date with the Enigma last night, or a general meeting let’s call it. We met to see the invited dress of ‘The Naked Girl on the Appian Way.’ He had scored the tickets through a connection to the assistant director, who is also a connection of mine, though I definitely don’t feel that I know him well enough to score tickets. The Enigma suggested dinner before hand, which ended up being West Way Diner since we had a limited amount of time. The show was not great. I loved ‘Take Me Out’ and this was certainly no ‘Take Me Out.’ It was also their first audience, so perhaps it will be a hit by the time it opens.

The story revolves around a family with 3 adopted children, and how 2 have decided to get married. The event is telling the family. The point is totally lost on me. For an event/conflict it was pretty much calmly reasoned with, and ultimately left unresolved. People throwing up their hands in an, ‘I guess I’ll never understand’ way, and life goes on. I was unsure if I was supposed to take anything away from it. The actor playing the part of Thaddeus was quite attractive, and by far the most likeable character. Probably because he was written to be ‘dumb’ he was the only one with a clear character—he wasn’t contradicting himself. If anyone gets a chance to see the show I would love to hear your comments.

Post-show the Enigma and I got ‘coffee’ which was really water and desert at the Renaissance Diner, since I sort of had to show up West Way a bit. We discussed the play had a nice conversation with even a very slight tint of chemistry. He walked me back to my place. There was some in front of the door standing. Now, I’m well aware that my front door is perhaps the least romantic bit of concrete in Manhattan, but this boy has one more chance to kiss me, or he’s going to be chocked up to the rank of friend forever.

Maybe if I’d gotten an enigma kiss I would be less likely to act like a fool tomorrow. Or maybe I would act like less of fool? Or maybe my actions shouldn’t have anything to do with the men around me at all. Well, at least my hair looked amazing. I can’t believe that I’ve been so anti hair-dryer for so much of my life. Hair-dryer discrimination is really foolish.

Sunday, September 11, 2005


As I was wondering up 2nd avenue yesterday, I passed one of the pay phones that has the Mega Million grand prize listed, and I thought, 'Why don't we just donate that 200 Million, just this once to a Hurricane Relief Fund?' This thought lead me on an elaborate fantasy trip where I won the Mega Millions, donated it all to Hurricane Relief, and continued on with my miserable my-only-choice-is-to-call-my-dad-when-I-have-a-surprise-expense life style.

Luckily, in my fantasy I was able to parlay my generous giving into a lucrative commercial campaign for Snapple (for example) with the catch phrase, 'do something good.' This would eventually lead other entertainment types to realize my talents and I would be able to do whatever I want with my rich ass self in the industry of my choice. Everybody wins.

The deterring factors: I would get a lot of unsolicited calls from non-profit organizations, and I've never bought a lottery ticket ever.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

Personal Day

I took yesterday off of work as a personal day. I was sick. Sick as in I sound like Carol Channing after 2 cartons of Parliament Lights. That's how I sound today. Yesterday I hardly sounded at all. I have had a little cough for about a week, which I believe began after my karaoke night with the Enigma. Yesterday it became full-blown vocal rest, after another night at this Karaoke bar. So stupid. This has been the year of 'stupidly trying to impress boys' and it must end.

Thursday night I went out to see a fabulously hilarious play with TV. Everyone who has ever aspired to be an actor should see it immediately; it's called Sides: the Fear is Real. So TV and I got dinner and drinks, laughed our asses off and were both peer pressured into meeting the Enigma at karaoke. I should have left when TV did, I should not have sung a Madonna classic, but alas, my blood was racing and there was no way to deter me from attempting to impress a boy who has unclear feelings for me.

On a side note, it is almost a year ago that I smoked pot after a play reading session to impress a boy who had a girlfriend. In a month and a half it will be the one year anniversary of me beginning dating a boy who was never going to be the one. So, I'm hoping that the year of acting like a 7th grader when it comes to guys will come to a close when my birthday rolls around and I don't have to wait for New Years, which will be the one year anniversary of that guy calling me at 10 minutes til midnight to ditch me to see the ball drop with his boss after he said he could get me in.

Friday morning I woke up and realized I couldn't speak. I made it one-half of an avenue before realizing that my entire current job relies on my ability to speak. I called in to take a personal day. I should have taken a sick day, but my co. has a horrendous though not illegal (yes I checked) policy of not allowing sick days on Mondays, Fridays or any day proceeding or following a holiday with out a doctor's note. Since this burned me once before, I decided to take a personal day. If this makes you livid (as it does me) don't worry, on Wednesday papers should be signed for me to finally leave said-co. hell-hole.

The growing-up papers are still out. I think they want to schedule another interview.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Careful what you wish for...

Well, an interesting email has finally cropped up in E's account. It's from a woman who I once got fucking smashed with when she visited New York. She also proceeded to sleep with my friend JR, though I didn't know about that until later. She was just checking in, saying hi, but she did mention an attempt at reconciliation with her husband. She wanted to thank E for his advice that 'men love strong women, but neediness is not attractive.'

At least this isn't new information: E told me to my face that he found me needy. I pretty much despise him. I do not think of myself as needy. Of course, everyone has different levels of what is considered acceptable or not. What I considered kindnesses he considered 'needy.' I hope no one ever makes him cookies again, as long as he lives, that heartless fuck.

Isn't it shocking how long it takes to get over someone? I happened upon my journal from when T and I broke up. You bastards have no idea how lucky you are that was pre-blog. Let's just say my world view was shattered and I always noticed the third rail. With E, I'm just angry. Angry for being under-valued and misunderstood. Another memorable journal entry I came across, "sometimes I wish I loved E, but that's like wishing to be stupid." Exactly.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


It’s an amazingly beautiful day, and I am in a pissy mood. The weather is perfect. It is E’s birthday, and I keep thinking about stupid things he said, and things I should have said at that dumb meal. My date with the enigma was a bust: the kid won’t make a move, at all. On top of this I’ve been reading a book about women’s bodies and want some cock like nobody’s business. Sigh.

I had a brilliant breakthrough today when reading all the various complaints against the Bush administration. The breakthrough was that Americans as a culture don’t really consider being lied to that terrible a thing. We’ve been groomed to care more about intentions than consequences and it’s something I think is horrible.

As long as Bush meant to ‘do the right thing’ we’ll let that Downing Memo slide. As long as E didn’t mean to hurt my feelings, it doesn’t matter that he acted in a way that humiliates me whenever I think of it. Respect: what people say this country has in the world. Right.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

weekend update

I have had quite an eventful Labor Day weekend. So very much has happened. On Saturday night (since last we spoke—yes, we’re speaking now) I had my post-relationship wrap-up with E where he said several ridiculous things that I will regale you with shortly. On Sunday, I went to CT to see my nephews and niece the trinity of terror. While buying vitamin water for myself I left their painted name signs at the little bodega store in Grand Central. I realized on the train and ran back to the JJ’s where I had bought a Danish and the ticket counter, but forgot about my vitamin water purchase and ran back to get on the train before it left.

After all the CT excitement, which included Chuck E. Cheese’s, Bionicles, and Shrek 2, I retrieved the painted names. I’m very happy with the place where I bought my over-priced vitamin water for holding on to them. I had a fantastic dinner with St. Matthew, my roomie, last night, which he cooked and cleaned up after, like the angel from heaven that he is.

Today, I’ve been searching the internet for voice over copy and not finding anything for my class tomorrow. So, I will find a way to get what I need in crisis mode tomorrow, or that’s the plan. Tonight, after the gym (that I desperately need to get to) I have a chess date with the enigma who wrote me a funny text while I was in CT and called to invite me to Central Park yesterday.

Well, it’s a short summery of all sorts of funny things, and blog worthy events. I’ll give you a few of E’s lame ass excuses as he tried to keep a friendship alive after so successfully hacking a relationship to death with his ineptitude. So the top dumb-ass quotes with commentary are:

“I went out of town and you were so needy that it pushed me away”
Right, E, expecting you to call me every so often is needy, I bet that writing you an emails made you feel trapped too. You are just a fox on the run, aren’t you pretty boy? It was your gd idea to stay together over the 2 month separation anyway!
“There’s part of me that wants to be with you right now. I’m not allowed to feel conflicted?”
Oh sure, E, you just feel as conflicted as you want. Why don’t you stand around deciding to go left or right and the rest of the world will stand still till you have had enough time. Need more time? That’s okay; we’re enjoying the break!
“Your letter made me really sad. I was like sad for a week”
Oh, E, did you not like it when I broke up with you? Even though every fucking thing you did was begging me to do it? After 9 months of a roller coaster ride you were sad for a week, oh man, sorry E. I’m so sorry I made you sad for, like, a week.

And that’s that… except for the political volunteer day I agreed to spend with him. We have 18 hours of handing out pamphlets and hating each other to engage in on primary day! Did I mention that after a meal full of this humiliation he said, “I’m having fun I don’t want to go home yet, you wanna see a movie?” He did. On the bright side The Constant Gardener is very good. The other bright side, I really don’t want to date him. On the dark side, I very much want him to beg for me back and go through the biting torment of unrequited love. On Primary Day, Welcome to the Dark Side.

Saturday, September 03, 2005


Well, quite a bit has happened though my ex-boyfriend's email remains lame. Lame to the point of maybe I will soon get over the bad habit of absolutely invading his privacy.

My first event is that I have received a comment! Yes, indeed, it was from someone anonymous who, while praising my fabulous life and times, has offered me a place to turn when I am in need of advice on acne. I feel very lucky, and have renewed faith in the blog as my key to new friendships.

My second event is about 24 hours long, and is all about CC, the enigma. I went to the karaoke bar alone and arrived at 10:40. 40 minutes fashionably late, and didn't see a soul. I frantically texted TV, and while going in for a drink ran right into Enigma, himself! 'CC, hi!' and thus it begins. I meet some of his various other friends. Many from Tennessee so they were easy to chit-chat with. I determined myself to be the best looking possibility for birthday boy, and the great thing about karaoke is when at a loss for conversation, you can always just sing along. The second great thing about karaoke is that people tend to get pretty lubed up to handle the whole experience, so that's another great way meet people.

TV showed up and we had a fabulous time. I sang my karaoke party song and was a pretty big hit. There was dancing, heckling, flirting and drinking, pretty soon, CC and I were the only revelers of his posse remaining. By this time, I had asked TV as he left if he was trying to set me up, I had also righty and lefty arm-wrestled CC, and broken the heart of one of my random dancing partners.

CC and I headed for the subway and stopped for pizza. At 3 in the drunken morning I decided that spinach and mushroom was the only pizza worth having. So I ate half of it as the spinach flew from the pizza from my mouth and possibly from the ceiling. Irresistible. As we waited for the train we chatted about this and that and he said he would meet me for my lunch break tomorrow (Friday). When we got off at 42nd St. and he waited for his transfer I told him he didn't have to if he wasn't feeling up for it, since by then it was about 4:25 am.

Friday moring I arrive at work. I have not received any response to my heart rendering soul searching email to KC. I have not received any other exciting emails either. I chat on MSN, I skim, I read strangers accounts of their lives. And then it is 12:30: the time CC (who's party flirting lead me to think of him as a little less than an enigma) was supposed to arrive. 12:40 he doesn't show, my chat buddy CB says to consider it a compliment of the moment and let it go. The trouble is: CC still doesn't have my number, nor do I have his. 12:50 arrives and I head out the front door right into CC.

'Oh, I didn't think you were coming'
'Didn't I say I would meet you for lunch?'

Good answer CC, good answer.

We head down to Madison Square Park to eat our deli sandwiches and talk. The talk is easy though not really thrilling. He spys a copy of my headshot in my bag when I pull out a bottled water, and peruses the resume. Resume reading is not really my favorite part of dating, but I don't have anything to be ashamed of, on the resume anyway.

He walks me back to the building and suggests a movie later. I go back to my desk and text CB immediately, he calls my life 'charmed.' But that might be because CC is totally CB's type, the 'dorky-cute' type. On my walk back from work I get a call from KC and we plan an Oct. 15th start date. That means I can use my paid vacation before turning in my notice. Muh-wah-ah-ah. I feel like I rule the world, or did til I checked how expensive flights to Germany are. Yes, I was considering a flight to Germany...

I get back to my apartment, spend some QT with AC and my roomie then it's laundry, the gym, and somewhere in between there a call to CC to suggest the 11:00 'Mad, Hot Ballroom.' I met him for the movie and it's not great, but fine and we have a good time. We then stand outside the movie theater for what feels like effing ages before he finally leaves. There is a hug goodbye and suddenly CC is the Enigma again.

Now, for today I have bought my nephews and niece their names painted in butterfly letters from two Chinese ladies on the sidewalk of Rockerfeller center. I also bought LW 'the Mouse and the Motorcycle' since he is actually turning 8 and needs a birthday present on top of the 'Aunt YB's buying your love' present for all of them. I will be taking the train to New Haven to visit them tomorrow. For tonight, I have a date planned with E as you might recall. I wish my CC date had been fantastic enough to keep me from even wondering what E might say. Unfortunately, it was too enigmatic. Stupid, stupid handsome E. Well, we shall see.

Friday, September 02, 2005


My ex-boyfriend's email account is a total let down.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

It almost seems I have a life...

Well, I had a good night last night too. I went to my voice over class and feel good about bettering myself a little. JH called me the star of the VO class, which I actually don’t agree with, but then again the bar is quite low. As you already know, I had the KC talk yesterday and was disappointed with the salary. I called my father after work to tell him about the situation including my non-too-effusive interview within my own company. He sort of yelled at me about that.

Dad: Never say you can’t do something!
Me: I didn’t I said I could do it, I just said I didn’t know if I’d want to.
Dad: grumble, grumble, well that’s not good either
Me: Well, it’s over anyway and I can’t change it. I’m just sick of pretending like I care about things I don’t care about. It felt great to be honest.
Dad: grumble, grumble

He didn’t yell at me exactly. I just felt like I let him down, and that I couldn’t explain to him how I felt or why. I adore my father; I would like for him to be proud, but then again, I also went to college for acting so his pride is not exactly number 1 on my priority list.

So, I called DW to say that I was sick of the dishonesty in the whole interview process (which I have brought on myself with my fluffy resume) and the monetary value and haggling over people. I put it on her voice mail, and bought a button up shirt for today’s interview with some other company where I have to talk up my low to basic Power Point skills.

Walking home, I returned E’s call, direct to VM, “Hey, I’m returning your call” click. He called back shortly and I asked how his audition went. He went on to tell me what a productive day he’d had, all the praise from the audition followed by encouragement from his agent, blah, blah, blah. When he finally got around to asking about my day, I said ‘it wasn’t so great, and I don’t want to talk about it’ because he shouldn’t get that. He doesn’t deserve the trust insinuated by my crying on his shoulder. Then he wanted to make plans for us to see each other.

Dinner Saturday was decided since I’ll be out of town Sunday and Monday. I tried to put it off and he did the whiney, ‘no, let’s not put it off, because I want to see you and that’s all I’m going to say right now.’ <-- that’s edited for time and content because getting him to come out and say anything, let alone comprehend what I’m saying can take awhile.

So, now I get to obsess about what he may want to say. When I told MO, my resident relationship-expert/playa at work, he said not to go. If he says, ‘don’t you want to see me?’ you say ‘yeah, that’s why I went to San Francisco.’ Lord, I wish I could come up with this stuff!

After class, I talked my job issues out with JH, his boyfriend MC and AC who’s in town for a bit visiting. Finally, I decided on this letter that I sent to KC:

Dear KC,

I have thought about the position and my various possibilities all night. I am very excited about the prospect of joining your team and learning to be a rec. I think I will be good at it, and it will be an excellent opportunity, not only for me to use my ‘skill-set,’ but also continue to learn and be challenged. Really, what more could one ask of a job?

While my current offer within my co. is a significant raise, I do not think that I will be happy with it. While a monetary reward is always tempting, I also studied to be an actress, and believe absolutely in following one’s heart. My heart tells me that your co. is by far the best option for me. I get to work with two fabulous women I already know and respect, I get to be involved on the ground level with a company I believe in and has unlimited potential for growth, and get to do something I find exciting.

I look forward to hearing from you, and hearing your thoughts.