so...

So I keep getting totally confronted with my little life. I would really really like for it to mean something. I don't know what it would/could/should mean. I have a belief system suggesting that there is nothing it even can mean.

Nonetheless, I keep writing the straight to paperback of my life with drama, twists, turns, scandals, the occasional lesbian scene for show.

But seriously, what is up with the supreme court? The day a clump of cells that can't survive on it's own has more rights than a grown woman, should be the day that all tumors can finally be free from chemo-therapy. ESPECIALLY testicular tumors.

Texas 12-step

So I'm not 12-stepping, but I am in a class that is similar. And I'm cleaning up crap I've said / done / not said / not done lately. I called T yesterday and told him I didn't fight for him. He told me he needed to go because the girl he's fucking was at his place waiting. She's Chinese and has a weird name. The weird thing was I felt great. Then he called me today and left a message that was curt and weird. Whatever dude. I know it puts people in a weird space when you apologize and ask real questions--especially when one (me) has been glib and untruthful for about 2 years now, but still!

I'm flying to TN in the morning. St. Matthew my former roommate is getting married in Atlanta so I thought I'd fly to the homestead and drive to the wedding. The only problem is that my parents are vacationing in Mexico and unreachable so I'm not sure how to deal with the whole they sent me a package with the house and car keys that didn't arrive on time.

I think I can convince a locksmith to let me in to my parents house.... I think.

I will update you on the adventure.

What do you people want from me??

So, I'm in this leadership class. It's about leadership.

Tonight one of my classmates spoke to me about something I'm helping her with. But what she wanted from me wasn't what I was helping her with--and I don't know what it is that she did want.... I am certain however that I did not provide it.

So now I feel all weird, like I didn't have the right answer. And I'm totally pissed about it. Can't I just do my job and let that be enough. I feel like I sound like a tired 50's bread-winner. I earn the money and now I have to be emotionally available too? Fuck Off!

So that's where I am at right now.

my 'buddy' sent me 4 text messages saying she was quitting then recanting so that's obnoxious too.

ugh.

someday you will be loved

boy-oh-boy do I love to make myself wrong. I'm not _______ enough for _______. Always always always.

Then I get bored of it and try I'm too _______ for _________.

Occasionally, I cut out the middle man and I'm just I'll never be __________.

All there is to get is that there's nothing wrong here.

Audition

I'm auditioning for the role of co-worker on Monday in a short film.

All these exciting, unexpected things are happening in my life.

Mostly I just want to sleep.

update

Just saw the play Frost/Nixon and it was great.

Still employed.

Life is strange.

That's all I've got for now.

clean feels dirty

I wonder if it wasn't better with me having a dirty little secret and someone I love being completely in the dark and never really knowing me. I wonder if it wasn't better my not really being able to be completely happy for a wedding. I want her to stay with him. I don't want there to be any confusion about my being some high moral being. It's a strange line to walk. I don't want to be some moral creature, but I don't want to lie for some 'greater good' because NOT being a moral creature who am I to say what a greater good would be. On the other hand, how does one just dump that kind of info on someone? The real question is how does one do what I did in the first place.