more naval gazing and my best friend's retort

I am aware that this may not be interesting, however it is completely occuping my mind and I'll be glad some day to read this over. So here is an email and response about my stalled out stuck on hold listening to bad muse-ak love life.

My email:

Shakespeare once said “the course of true love never did run smooth.”

Of course he got married at 18 then left his wife and kids to live in London and be the most famous playwright the world has ever known. He then wrote several plays about dads screwing up their daughters and abandoning their wives in his later years and retired home at around the age of 50 to die shortly there after.

I woke up this morning feeling surrounded by the Tempest/Pericles-esque shipwrecks of my failed relationships. Both of them.

Really it's about T, but I unluckily happened on E's myspace page the other day. He was a friend of a new friend of mine--I didn't search for it! He was there smiling with his photogenic brunette girlfriend. And I don't want E back and I'm not mad at him, I just assume that he's got what I don't have and it doesn't seem fair. I also secretly hope that this woman will destroy him... I need to get over that. I know that I want to be a bigger person and then I have these wicked thoughts that put me as the judge and jury about what sort of pain he deserves... Weird.

As for T, I found myself explaining our relationship yesterday to one of the new people who's working with my company. I said that T and I have everything I want in a marriage. We love, respect, compliment and understand each other. But when she asked if he would move to New York I said, "I want us to be together and I know we have all this, but the only place I can imagine together happening is in a dream land of unicorns and rainbows and a leprechaun would be the ring-bearer." We are great in a vacuum; we are a great idea (or ideal); but I can't actually see us in the real-world. We are so entrenched in 'some-day' that I don't see a way for us to ever be in reality with out serious work and serious re-thinking.

I still have this weird blind-faith (the kind I scoff at religious or right-wingers for) that I'm playing out in my own love-life. I feel I have some innate deserving of T as a husband and that it will just come to me with out my making any effort. I assume that the universe has got my back on this and I don't really need to examine it.

I'm really afraid and stuck in this area.

This was her response:

I totally understand. And for the record, Shakespeare also said - love sought is good, but given unsought is better.

I think that you and T...or maybe just you, I can't begin to even understand him...anyway, I think that you are right in that it's a wonderful idea, but something that may not ever happen in reality. It's something that you do try for and would be willing to do anything to obtain, but that may not be enough. You are trying, you are doing everything right, you're talking to him, you're open to any solution, you want this resolved and soon. But I worry that he may never be ready for that resolution. And I want more for you than waiting on someone who won't reach out and take the hand that is always outstretched to him. It's not fair of him to be wishy-washy for so long.

I understand the fear, though. B wasn't right for me, but I'm terrified I'll never feel that intensely for anyone else. And I understand your resentment at E too. You deserve love and happiness and rainbows and other good things, not him. B has a girlfriend now also, and it makes me crazy. He also still emails me and texts me about how no one challenges him anymore and I made him a better person and if only I lived in Atlanta, blah blah. It's not fair of him to do that to me, and it's certainly not fair of him to have these thoughts, feelings and conversations that would devastate his girlfriend. All that being said, E may not (and probably does not) have a perfect, balanced and loving relationship. He may not send you emails and confide all his problems with the relationship to you like B does with me, but that does not mean that the problems are not there. No way do I believe that E had matured into a man in such a short amount of time.

So while he may be temporarily happy in the arms of some brunette, you are also happy right now in your life. You don't have a boyfriend that you have subpar feelings for. You don't have a boyfriend who constantly disappoints or hurts you. You do have a mind that is constantly growing and learning and a heart that is constantly healing and helping you be more self-aware. I think Inga said this in the Cunt book...Perfection is not the goal, but progress is. And babe, you are progressing and growing. You may be too close to yourself to see it, but I have noticed how you've matured and improved in the past year. And I doubt that E or T can say the same. So in the real battle - you've won. You are the better person. And good things DO happen to good people.

At least we have each other to keep us accountable and to encourage us and to share life with in the meantime, which makes all the waiting a little easier and more fun. :)

Where MySpace saves me from myself

I am not a fan of MySpace. I do have a profile on there however, and every once and awhile someone will add me as their friend. At that point I log on to the thing and accept this person (assuming they are not a band, stranger, or 'sex party') and then the whole internet will know how popular and cool I am. Today a friend added me and I looked at her profile and friends and guess who was there? E. Because failures are so fun to re-live I clicked on his picture (one of him and his girlfriend). Then there was a problem with the MySpace server. I believe that this internal myspace server crash was providence.

Thank you providence.

The T and I

Pros:
He loves me
I love him
He tickles me
He's a liberal
He's smart
He's generous
He's funny
Great sex
Great conversation

Cons:
He doesn't know what he wants
He is afraid of marriage
He tickles me
He tends toward depression
He won't move
He won't plan

It is beyond frustrating. I wonder if we have no hope at all, and then we talk and I know that he's the closest friend I have in the world, someone who I could spend my life with. How can you not hope for that?

I'll fly away

I'm going to hometown TN this weekend for T's sister's wedding reception. She had the ceremony in Haiwaii (only her and the groom), but the party should be rocking. T will be there and my parents, and several of T's other ex-girlfriends. T's sister suggested I bring a date. Sigh.

Good times.

humorless

Humorless is the kind of day I've had. I went to a karaoke bar in queens because it's a friend's birthday, and well to humor him. That was the end of humoring for the evening. Someone started smoking and I talked to him about the ban then offered to stand out side with him while he smoked. Then I got going on a few conversations with the group that was there with the birthday boy, but when lulls came I didn't fill them up with celebrity gossip. The closest I got to actual communication was when I talked about having a karaoke set that shortens all the song to a reasonable 'American Idol' length and how dramatically karaoke would improve. The guy then challenged me to do it and I declined the challenge because just because it's a good idea doesn't mean I care enough to put it in action. He called my refusal rude, so I said if you ask a question and I'm not allowed to choose one of the options (yes or no) by making one wrong/rude then it's not a question. While I find this interesting I can understand that most people would rather talk about Lindsay Lohan being a 'skank'.

What a humorless person to have at a karaoke bar. Me, not Lindsay; I don't know her--she also seems like she'd be the life of the party from all I've read...

NPR

Surprisingly, I've been getting hits on my little blog with the search 'Valerie Rumsfeld.' That's because I was gushing about an NPR program that aired on September 1st. If you would like to listen to this totally incredible and amazing story about a liberal kid in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong 'background' (a humanitarian), directions to hear the story are below courtesy of WBEZ members' services (there is not a direct URL):

WBEZ's This American Life aired a segment titled Froggy Goes A-Courtin. If you would like to listen to the segment, please visit the following link: http://www.thislife.org/. Once you are on their webpage go to the blue left hand column, click Complete Archive, and select 2006. The segment aired on September 1 and the program is titled Not What I Meant. Unfortunately, they do not have transcripts of the program, if you would like to order a CD please call 312/948-4680.

Update: Sensi Hot

It has come to my attention that Sensi Hot is not in love with me. He is merely a good teacher--one that makes the student feel like a unique individual, and while I know I should be grateful for this presence in my training, I am instead uniquely disappointed.

The karate babies of my future vanish before my eyes... Osu, karate babies. Osu.

Law School

I have a sweeping generalization to make. Now, I have several friends that are lawyers they are people that have planned to go into law forever and many have political ambitions and then I have a lot of friends who are unemployed actors who talk about law school.

I have several theories on this, and I say this with love in my heart having taken a practice LSAT before. I think the reason these friends are interested in law school is because it is the only real thing left at our age that there is a time-line before you can begin it. If an actor said, fuck this, I want to be a business man then there is nothing to keep him from opening a business or getting a job in the corporate sector. Becoming a lawyer however has a safe padding of years before one can actually do it--or fail at it--or decide they don't like it. Even in medical school one is expected to see cadavers and patients before being a doctor. In the law, one can't even give advice until they pass the bar.

That is my theory.

I think there is also an allure to the idea that words are power or words as action for the actor-types. E told me he was taking the LSAT, you see. I remember when I considered taking it when I had no direction in my life and considered becoming a lawyer to support him and getting a picket fence together. It feels like that was a long time ago.

From the Gray Lady

I don't know who wrote this, but I like it. After awhile you would have to pay for it on archives, so here it is, an editorial from the New York Times today 9/11/06:

The feelings of sadness and loss with which we look back on Sept. 11, 2001, have shifted focus over the last five years. The attacks themselves have begun to acquire the aura of inevitability that comes with being part of history. We can argue about what one president or another might have done to head them off, but we cannot really imagine a world in which they never happened, any more than we can imagine what we would be like today if the Japanese had never attacked Pearl Harbor.

What we do revisit, over and over again, is the period that followed, when sorrow was merged with a sense of community and purpose. How, having lost so much on the day itself, did we also manage to lose that as well?

The time when we felt drawn together, changed by the shock of what had occurred, lasted long beyond the funerals, ceremonies and promises never to forget. It was a time when the nation was waiting to find out what it was supposed to do, to be called to the task that would give special lasting meaning to the tragedy that it had endured.

But the call never came. Without ever having asked to be exempt from the demands of this new post-9/11 war, we were cut out. Everything would be paid for with the blood of other people’s children, and with money earned by the next generation. Our role appeared to be confined to waiting in longer lines at the airport. President Bush, searching the other day for an example of post-9/11 sacrifice, pointed out that everybody pays taxes.

That pinched view of our responsibility as citizens got us tax cuts we didn’t need and an invasion that never would have occurred if every voter’s sons and daughters were eligible for the draft. With no call to work together on some effort greater than ourselves, we were free to relapse into a self- centeredness that became a second national tragedy. We have spent the last few years fighting each other with more avidity than we fight the enemy.

When we measure the possibilities created by 9/11 against what we have actually accomplished, it is clear that we have found one way after another to compound the tragedy. Homeland security is half-finished, the development at ground zero barely begun. The war against terror we meant to fight in Afghanistan is at best stuck in neutral, with the Taliban resurgent and the best economic news involving a bumper crop of opium. Iraq, which had nothing to do with 9/11 when it was invaded, is now a breeding ground for a new generation of terrorists.

Listing the sins of the Bush administration may help to clarify how we got here, but it will not get us out. The country still hungers for something better, for evidence that our leaders also believe in ideas larger than their own political advancement.

Today, every elected official in the country will stop and remember 9/11. The president will remind the country that he has spent most of his administration fighting terrorism, and his opponents will point out that Osama bin Laden is still at large. It would be miraculous if the best of our leaders did something larger — expressed grief and responsibility for the bad path down which we’ve gone, and promised to work together to turn us in a better direction.

Over the last week, the White House has been vigorously warning the country what awful things would happen in Iraq if American troops left, while his critics have pointed out how impossible the current situation is. They are almost certainly both right. But unless people on both sides are willing to come up with a plan that acknowledges both truths and accepts the risk of making real-world proposals, we will be stuck in the same place forever.

If that kind of coming together happened today, we could look back on Sept. 11, 2006, as more than a day for recalling bad memories and lost chances.

Drunk! 7 days later

Hi, I haven't posted cause I've been doing shit, organizing a fundraiser, running my company, losing weight.... the world is a crazy place. I was lucky enough tonight to meet a friend of a room-mate of a friend and we talked about the world and stuff and after she left I met a boy who I could have destroyed with a few choice words and luckily didn't take home, because I would have spent 89% of my time encouraging him for the off-chance that maybe I might maybe have an orgasm. Good thing the universe kept me from such a trying encounter.
You guys, what the fuck is this? I tried to convince my mother 2 years ago into talking me into settling and she wouldn't have it.

Is there anyone out there who will encourage me to be less than my unencumbered potential? 'Cause really, call me.

mixed messages

I think I have before admitted that work in Human Resources. If I hadn't, well, now you know. If you are a detective, you are one step closer to discovering my true identity. So in my job, I get people jobs, or I try really hard to get people jobs, or I fill jobs depending on which way you look at it. Well, last week when I was sick (but working) I called one of the guys who I had placed in an entry level position who was also an alumni from my college about some little detail. The job I placed him in is not a great job, but it's a job and there are plenty of people that don't have them. Well, he sent me a bouquet of daisies and a Get Well Soon card because I sounded like I was dying over the phone. I thought that was really sweet, and I had more than one conversation about receiving these flowers. I was filled with good-will to the flower giver. Today, all that good-will was squandered when he did not show up at his job (different department than me). He did not call anyone on my team, he did not call his supervisor and has been completely unreachable.

Why would someone send flowers one day and then send the equivalent of a giant 'fuck you' the next? The only things I can think of are: (a) he's in love with me--only love could explain such screwed up logic/mean-spiritedness (b) he doesn't want the job but is too much of a pussy to admit it or have a conversation or (c) we slept together. I know that (c) is not true.

sleepless

I slept all weekend pretty much. I read and ran and took a karate class but other than a few blips of social activity, I slept. Now I have to be at work tomorrow at 7:30 (am, folks) and I am wide awake. Trying to sleep when I am wide awake leads me to play the re-living past events fun-time game. It's where I go back into past events (usually relationships) and instead of actually addressing the large problems (because even in my fantasy life I can't admit to big bad mistakes: cheating, back-stabbing, or stealing) I reword small and meaningless conversations. I have no idea why.

Chrysalis

I was looking over some previous posts the other day and realized that I missed my blogiversary. I've been ybing it for over a year. I find this wholly shocking. I found the post I put when I interviewed for the position that I'm in and lots of musings that I have answers to now. Most of those answers boil down to 'stop whining and start a revolution!' I'd forgotten how important it is to look at where I've come from--especially on the days where I feel I have no idea where I'm going.

This is a quote that I'm currently in love with:

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

I love you, NPR!!!

Oh my gosh you guys. NPR blows my mind. I was listening to 'This American Life' today. The first story was about a guy who lived in New Mexico and was doing these spray-paint vandalism art stencils on sidewalks. The theme of this program was 'Misunderstandings.' So, the man, who is of middle eastern descent (though born in the US), who had volunteered with humanitarians in Afghanistan, did his public art in Valerie Rumsfeld's neighborhood. Long and fascinating story later, he is still a free man after 3 and a half months of investigation, but is consistently stopped at airports because he is on a terrorist watch list. I'm trying to get the link right now. You have to hear it.

I love you, NPR!!!